For a Friend

The Weight of It
Existential despair like a cliché
gnaws away at my viscera
as another being who carries my likeness
masquerades as a superior me.

The “other” seems so free,
so unaccustomed with strife
for he holds the entirety of my insight, my creativity.

Day and day passes slowly
as if continuing my anxiety until infinity.

The closed passage in my heart suddenly opens.

Other Justin is perfect, far beyond the abyss of conscious control
but perhaps he is the wrong being
to hold control over my body.

My ingenuity and creativity,
contrary to the long-held understanding driven by despair,
belong to me alone,
no matter how deep within my psyche they reside.

Other Justin’s fog persists
but I can sense a gap in its presence:
Clarity approaches.

Princess Mononoke Analysis

Entry 17: A Curse, A Disability, or Something Else (Days 26-30)

Princess Mononoke (1997) is one of Hayao Miyazaki’s most imaginative pieces. The movie is set in Japan during the time of the samurais but incorporates fantastical elements, creating a moving story. Such a movie, running at 2 hours 13 minutes, exhibits many different themes both prominent and subtle. At the beginning, Ashitaka, the elk-riding protagonist, slays a demon-possessed hog and as a result becomes cursed. On his arm he receives a sinister-looking scar. He is then sent on a journey in order to heal his curse. Throughout the movie, Ashitaka’s curse becomes a disability that impedes his process. In spite of these challenges, Ashitaka still manages to fulfill his goal in much the same manner that a person with a disability moves through life.
           

In his village, Ashitaka is a beloved prince. Upon the unveiling of his curse, the villagers are dismayed: now his life is in danger due to his contact with the hog. The oracle of the village tells Ashitaka he must set forth on a journey to rid himself of his scar.  Though this theme is common in fantasy stories, this particular storyline resonates with themes relating to disability. When Ashitaka leaves on his elk Yakul in the dead of night, his little sister Kaya hands him a crystal dagger, a token of her love; despite his partial transformation, she still views him as her brother. The villagers still view him as their fellow. While he retains the respect of his fellow tribespeople, Ashitaka is pitied and viewed with a misguided disgust on account of his injury. He leaves of his own accord but at the same time feels communal pressure to leave. In a similar manner, living with a disability – once it is known – often results in being perceived in a completely different manner; one retains one’s individuality but is simultaneously viewed with doubts and a separate set of perceptions.

One scene later in the movie better displays the reaction of others to his condition. When Eboshi, the leader of the ironworks community,  proudly displays the guns made by her people, Ashitaka’s arm spasms; he has great difficulty not pulling his sword out of its scabbard. Gonza, the guard captain, becomes alarmed and is about to disarm Ashitaka when Eboshi stops him. Ashitaka’s condition leads him to act in a manner perceived as dangerous to those around him, despite having no control over his arm at that moment. At that moment the bedridden Osa - one of the bandaged ones lying in the room - tells his story about being helped by Lady Eboshi despite being cursed. Lady Eboshi, though she seems purely Machiavellian, seems to have an ability to look – at least superficially – past being cursed or disabled. Being disabled leads to special treatment but does not make a person fundamentally different. If anything, having a serious condition greatly adds to a person’s life experiences and is an extension of their being, not something inherently terrible.

           

Ashitaka’s curse, which carries an infamous public presence, is a more subtle evil when he is alone. Just after leaving the village, he fights a swarm of samurai operating on behalf of their feudal lord. During this battle he loses control of his arm and stops being able to aim his bow. Ashitaka grows frustrated and is forced to evade the soldiers. After wandering through the woods he manages to find a pond. He quickly dismounts Yakul and submerges and holds his writhing arm in the cool water.  This ritual is performed again when Ashitaka reaches a large creek near the forest of the Deer God. These examples portray his attempts to overcome his temporary weakness. For the most part, Ashitaka is at face-value powerful young man capable of knocking out both Lady Eboshi and Princess Mononoke one after the other. Almost immediately afterwards he is struck by a bullet and badly wounded. This time Mononoke was forced to submerge Ashitaka in the water in the forest so that his strength could be replenished. While in the presence of Mononoke, Ashitaka has difficulty sleeping. Ashitaka, though he fights well against his enemies, is knocked out and winds up in the Deer God’s pond. Despite his continuous appearance of not needing help, Ashitaka was steadily succumbing to the curse and required the Deer God’s help. For a person with disability weakness can be growing stronger, even as that person appears totally fine. The help of others is still acceptable and even required at times.

From here on, the movie shifts away from an emphasis on violence and more upon returning the Deer God’s head and restoring the balance. Together they risk being cursed further as they left the head up. With his head reattached the Deer God manages to heal everything around him. In particular, Ashitaka’s curse dissipates, leaving only a faint scar. Ashitaka and those who supported him both manage to bring a noble ending to the petty human destruction of the environment. Rather than be defeated by his curse, Ashitaka rose above and through his curse stumbled upon those people that would help him along his journey.

Ultimately, Princess Mononoke is a story about perseverance and not giving up. Such themes are oft hackneyed and quite ubiquitous. In Ashitaka’s tale, however, his curse dwindles his strength but at the same time give him reason to complete his journey, rather than simply let his life be consumed. Ashitaka also manages to befriend Princess Mononoke, who at the  beginning of the story emphatically claimed she hated humans. Similarly, living with a disability involves an arduous journey through which valuable experiences are earned; such a journey is not inherently negative. Being disabled or cursed comprises a person’s total sense of being.

A Fairy Tale A La Zeldaru

Entry 16 (Day 22-25)

A brunette princess stood by the glistening sea, deflecting the sun’s light diffusely. The sun hung in mid-day, deluging her with heat. She wiped her forehead and turned away from the sea. Without a shadow to hide behind, the princess retreated in a relatively linear path along the dirt road leading to the castle; her concern for the hem of her dress seemed to be null given the accumulation of dust. She opened the heavyset, mahogany door and entered. She closed the door, barring the entrance of warm air eager to transfer heat inwards. The castle lay in mild darkness for all of the curtains were down. As if to shut out the heat entirely. Soft footsteps reverberated between the walls and the ceiling; such a sound emanated from the stone stairs covered by thick carpets. She conducted an experiment in heat transfer by closing her door.

The princess lay on her stomach and grabbed the two-thirds-read tome which sat on her pillow – Don Quixote, or He who Attacks Windmills. Her eyes moved swiftly horizontally as her knees flexed. She took a piece of hair and drew it over her hair. A periwinkle blue hairpin resided in the forest of brown.

The amount of light visible on the floor below the window diminished. The princess had rolled over onto her back, head resting on the coldest pillow. Her eyelids were sealed shut but she moved laterally in small increments. The tome which had consumed so much of her day lay on a bedside table. Her dreams were manifested in her raised arm and flexed fingers clasped around an imaginary hilt. Slash! Slash! Diagonal movements in the air. “A mighty foe stands in my way….a windmill,” she murmured. The movement subsided after a few moments as she quiesced to the night.

The sun shone through the once-more-revealed window as the princess stretched in place. She bent forwards and down, reaching towards her toes. Floating strands of hair were hidden behind her ear. Through the opened window the princess leapt, her dress fluttering in the wind. Her dissent was continued slowly, as if gravity had given up and was making a very weak last effort. At some point a shadow appeared on the ground, barely increasing in size. Sweat appeared on her exposed skin, attempting to cool her with the enthalpy of vaporization. The white dress, as it transpired, had become sticky. She tried to pull the sleeves away radially but gave up. Winds blew past her at a faster pace, serving little purpose but to annoy. “I was under the impression that today there would be normal gravity but I guess I forgot that I’m on the moon,” she muttered to herself. Her highness looked up, noticing a familiar curtain bundle up at the top. It was regal purple with golden designs…In other words she had only fallen a foot or so…and then upon making this discovery her hazel eyes widened and her velocity increased rapidly in the negative direction. Then her dress stopped rippling momentarily before the wind continued its deluge. A streak of orange tore through the sky furiously from a direction opposite that of the sun. She glanced over there and realized that the tips of her fingers were smoking. The princess’s heels had eased – her open eyes saw the ground touching her feet.

Another Day, Another Attempt At Writing Something (And Sorta Succeeding?)

Entry 15 (Day 21)

A couple days ago I saw Kiki’s Delivery Service. My friend thought that the movie while entertaining had little intellectual value. The story follows the usual themes of growing up and trying to find yourself. I appreciated the story because Kiki goes to an entirely new town and starts a delivery service there. It seems so by the book but this twist is more interesting than just the typical school environment. She learns through a more hands-on, practical education. Here in this town she is applying her skills- using her witch powers in order to positively impact those around her. I think her temporarily losing her powers is emblematic of finding something you took for granted stripped away. In other to keep moving forward, you have to learn more about yourself. The same tactics you were using just a few days ago may no longer be valid. For that reason, I think that Kiki’s Delivery Service aptly portrays the heart of the journey that is growing up.

Another Entry

Entry 14 (Day 20)

Today I wanted to write about the character Michiru Matsushima from the visual novel Le Fruit de Grisaia. At first glance she is the most fake of the characters and the most static. She calls herself a “Tsundere” a character trope known  for deliberate two-sidedness. To complement her “tsundere” nature, she dyed her black hair to bottle-blonde, seemingly cementing her status as a shallow character. In a visual novel full of characters with a seemingly more solid and convincing outlook, Michiru stands out entirely. Despite appearances, she is one of the – if not the – best characters in the visual novel. On one occasion, Michiru notes that “the sky is [like] a giant lid.” Many people associate the sky with freedom or some other cliché about the world being your oyster. For Michiru the sky represents a cage; she is trapped in the world and without any tangible means of escape. Her “tsundere” character, though nonsensical and idiotic to those around her, helps her cope with and understand the difficult situation in which she finds herself.