Those
who know me know that my favorite show is Hyouka.
Today I will be talking about a different Hyouka, from the A Certain Magical
Index series. SPOILERS FROM SECOND HALF OF SEASON 1. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Hyouka continuously calls herself a monster, especially in reference to “fighting monsters with monsters.” A key theme of Index is magic vs science – however, Hyouka exists at the interface of these two forces, literally making her an aberration. She is a “ghost” created by the special energy field of the series called AIM. To her, she exists as a monster, independent of humans and relationships including friendships. For me, this example conjures my own experiences of thinking of myself as a monster. During my early days of wanting to become a scientist, I struggled with having my condition. I brought valuable insight…but at the same time I was a bad scientist who could not live up to any notable expectations. My noble intentions of wanting to help persons with disabilities through science became a double-edged blade. Where I felt that my being a “monster” equipped me to help others who suffered – I knew the pain, so I wanted to bring that perspective. But sometimes the pain felt all-consuming. So in some ways, I saw myself as a shield, crafted from science, to help others who could be helped. So Hyouka’s desire to be a monster to fight monsters resonates deeply within me.
Given my own painful experiences, I sincerely hoped that the series would counter Hyouka’s negative self-talk. To my surprise and pleasure, Touma, the Index main character, asserts that she is human in fact and not a monster; her desire to become friends with Touma and Index, the titular character, highlights that she is a human. Her painful tears are also human, which is all too real to me personally. As the scene sets in, there is a clear sense that Hyouka will vanish soon.
Hyouka continuously calls herself a monster, especially in reference to “fighting monsters with monsters.” A key theme of Index is magic vs science – however, Hyouka exists at the interface of these two forces, literally making her an aberration. She is a “ghost” created by the special energy field of the series called AIM. To her, she exists as a monster, independent of humans and relationships including friendships. For me, this example conjures my own experiences of thinking of myself as a monster. During my early days of wanting to become a scientist, I struggled with having my condition. I brought valuable insight…but at the same time I was a bad scientist who could not live up to any notable expectations. My noble intentions of wanting to help persons with disabilities through science became a double-edged blade. Where I felt that my being a “monster” equipped me to help others who suffered – I knew the pain, so I wanted to bring that perspective. But sometimes the pain felt all-consuming. So in some ways, I saw myself as a shield, crafted from science, to help others who could be helped. So Hyouka’s desire to be a monster to fight monsters resonates deeply within me.
Given my own painful experiences, I sincerely hoped that the series would counter Hyouka’s negative self-talk. To my surprise and pleasure, Touma, the Index main character, asserts that she is human in fact and not a monster; her desire to become friends with Touma and Index, the titular character, highlights that she is a human. Her painful tears are also human, which is all too real to me personally. As the scene sets in, there is a clear sense that Hyouka will vanish soon.
And
that was when Touma delivered perhaps the most insightful and beautiful lines
in the entirety of S1. Building upon his argument that she is human, Touma
points out that she experiences her humanity in a different way – though her
physical body, home to a ghost, operates very differently from most people, Hyouka
is still very human. The idea that your body works differently from everyone
else is incredibly hard to deal with, especially on an emotional level. In my
earlier moments of excruciating vulnerability, I felt that my body was alien to
both myself and to others…much like Hyouka seemed to. IF you do not belong to
your own body, what do you belong to? It’s such a tough feeling. That’s why
Touma’s words are so powerful in that moment. I am certain that younger me
would have wanted to hear Touma’s words. And I’m really gratefulfor them. It
made the parting scene with Hyouka very bittersweet, but one of the most
powerful moments of the show.
