Welcome to my diabolical tea party where all shall be reveal--.
Hold on. Sorry about that.
Wrong crowd.
Sometimes I think about my own history. Looking back over one year reveals all sorts of things I thought were forgotten to the contours of time. Spring steadily chipping winter's armor makes for a great time of reflection. Time to make like a mirror and reflect.
Astute observers
may note that my last reflection indicated some hope for pursuing a Ph.D.
However, I left it in August 2023 after two years of false promises and broken
links – the cause of a deep yet sincere feeling of betrayal. At first brush,
this is just disruption from the pandemic. It’s not, though, because we are in
“normal” times again where I must be doing ‘something.’ Submitting 200+
applications – to graduate schools, to hospitals, to biotechnology companies,
even to community college teaching -- over the past several months. By my
count, 70+ meetings to help me sort out my life during this time.
Despite how wrong this situation has felt, I at least take great solace in returning home and finding a new path forward. As a result, I intend this post to still be a happy one.
Table of Contents
1. By the Numbers and the Pictures
2. Forging a New Life Path
3.
State of my Well-Being
4. Advocating for a Better Future
5. Toastmasters-ing
6. Media Exploration
7. Reflection Recap
By the Numbers and the Pictures
In this section, I like to give a rundown of the events of this year. Please see the below mixture of words and pictures. Here my goal is brevity and leaving the events to the imagination. If you want more, you'll have to get that information out of me!
While in Ohio, I experienced my second spring. Part of this experience involved Ramadan once again. I finally attended Eid at a family friend's house, helping me feel rooted in this land finally. I took a 30 minute Uber ride both ways, which made me feel especially independent.
My worry declined rapidly after a certain day. The birthday itself came and went. I got to spend time with family, munch on Thai and Japanese food, and allow year 30 to roll by. This relaxation helped me manage the stress of returning to school.
A lovely jaunt on Mt Hood in early July. Seeing skiers going down the glacier in July was incredible. I just stepped in snow and appreciated the reddish-brown earth now exposed. The 7000ft elevation sun rewarded me with a light sunburn on my ears.
My return visit to Oregon in July was not precipitated by this mountain trip, as you might guess. Something so important I needed to check out my suits again. Preparation required.
The saddest experience of adulthood happened: my old suit no longer fit so I used my dad's old suit. Dressed up to a level unseen for years. The occasion? A childhood friend of mine got married at this lovely venue with greenery hanging over us. I even met the bride for the first time. At weddings, the bride and groom are always the busiest, which made this even more special. Truly, it was a great time.
Returning to Ohio after the wedding was a little bit tough. I was forced back to earth a short month after the wedding When my PhD came prematurely to a halt. The last days in Ohio were surreal, blurry times. In spite of that, the day of August 21 -- two days before the departure -- stood out for two positive reasons: 1) this duck that was weirdly calm about being right within reach and 2) eating at my second favorite Middle Eastern restaurant with two friends from my program. One friend has dietary restrictions, so I was glad that we found an appropriate place. It was both friends' first time eating Lebanese food. Afterwards, we took a photo, which really eased the pain of leaving. Disorientation still followed.
The day after my return (Aug 24th) was a day of recovering from this strangeness. On the following day, I ate at Tanaka -- a restaurant with a nice fish katsu sandwich. They played an absurd number of songs I knew. "Seven Nation Army", "Scar Tissue" and "Someday" to name just a few tunes. There was a full dose of nostalgia. August 26th brought with it an Islamic society event at Hagg Lake -- featuring burgers and conversations while under the searing sun. I desperately absorbed an ounce of normalcy.
For the rest of this story by pictures, I highlight great sights seen. The details of life -- including the job hunt -- are not terribly interesting while also being often challenging. Images below can be more seen as a way that I fought the twin forces of ennui and despair.
My diplomat sister, on the cusp of starting a new post in a new country, came to visit us. There was an incredible itinerary to address that took us to many great sights and places. Essentially we spent much time together through the events of half of December and most of January. Warm in Hawaii, cold during the power outage, and investigating many great restaurants. As it turns out, the universe had a hard time allowing her to leave. Her flight was delayed by a few hours and we hung out at Ikea before the true goodbyes happened. (The rest of the journey went off without a concern).
Here are just a few grand scenes from this trip.
On the day before a fierce winter storm, my parents and I took advantage of clear temperaments in the sky. (There were snow drifts visible even on the day we went.) We went to the Gorge like usual but here I managed to climb up a few hundred feet to the bridge facing the Multnomah Falls. Typically I only see the Falls from the ground level yet today was different. We even used the scenic highway rather than the major road.
Ramadan, like last year, emerged unexpectedly -- with its first day landing on March 11th. The day after the switch to daylight savings. Once again, sleep shifted earlier for the pre-sunrise meal. Of course, this is an auspicious time to solidify one's mettle. To grow as a person. Clearly, a perfect time for writing a blog spot like this.
Forging a New Life
Path
Job hunting and practicing driving have become an integral part of life.
Leaving the PhD program constrained my energy and filled me with dread and
guilt to work on being professional – on using time perfectly. Of course, the
path still has not revealed itself. Seven months of job hunting and failing the
driving exam twice (in December last year and in March this year) did not
exactly provide the uplift I wanted. Still, in the midst of strife there is
ambition – that is how I prepare a new trajectory.
To briefly recap
the big event: I started a PhD in Ohio to study therapies for muscular
dystrophy. Unfortunately, I was derailed and spent six rotations unsuccessfully
trying to find one professor to take me in as a student. I met with the graduate ombuds (the person
that provides a neutral voice of advice) three times and the equity office four
times (not including emails). Even
joined a support group for graduate students to dispel my frustration. Where this story picks up: a very tense situation dangerously near a May 8th 2023 deadline to remain
in the program. Everything hung in the balance with the bewildering dance of on-again/off-again.
How this went down:
Early April 2023 – Start the 7th and final rotation. The last
chance.
April 4th
– Submit my survey to the graduate school detailing my passion for research and
the barriers in my way.
April 5th – Speak with the graduate school dean – she agrees with my
dad about developing a research plan, scope, and questions as a way to show
interest for the PI.
Remainder of April – Provide research scope, research questions, a specific
aims page, a career goals statement, and a biographical sketch to the PI in
order to prepare a grant supplement for my PhD.
May 4th – Get the good news from the program head that the professor
wants to extend my rotation. May 8th deadline cleared.
Remainder of May and June – In total, read 100 papers. Drafted an experimental methods
(approach) section and shared with the professor.
July 19th – Professor asks me to demonstrate bench techniques
described in the grant. Finally, I am given permission to work hands on in the
lab.
July 20th through August 10th – Performed three western
blots (a key lab technique) to further the project.
August 8th – The program head asks me for the professor’s cell phone
number but is not able to reach him.
August 11th – Program head emails me
that he got a hold of the professor and that he would finally decide today. An
hour later, the professor calls and tells me that I am not suited for his lab,
ending my chances.
August 17th
– Program head and program coordinator meet with me to conclude my departure
from the program. It felt good that the head said he enjoyed having me in the program
and praised my perseverance.
August 18th – Go to the lab one last time.
The threat of exodus remained on the horizon from April to August. When it
finally dropped, that disrupted my sense of self confidence and forward
movement. However, predictability did not ease the pain much – as all those
meetings felt like they vanished in smoke. I had seen this professor come and
go into the lab very haphazardly, as if he had forgone a need for a formal
structure. Such a behavior only made the nerves worse. There was one day that I
stayed home because of an extreme air quality alert (because of wildfire smoke drifting
from Canada). Being outside gave me a headache within a few minutes. That was a
rare day that the professor appeared, which underscores just how inconsistent his
visits became during my time of crisis.
On August 11th, two lab colleagues – my
would-be fellow graduate students – got me cafeteria Indian food and lemonade
from Panera. They calmed my nerves by talking me through the experience. Apparently, the professor demands results not training and is very
strict about figures. Unfortunately, the university did not take much pity on
me, forcing a move out that occurred on August 23rd. Such a process
was not unlike my exodus from Edmonton just without that pandemic part. The aforementioned lab colleagues were kind enough to transport me and my luggage to the airport. My return trip (flight and all) to Oregon was surprisingly smooth outside of a few avoidable hiccups.
My chaotic
experiences were underpinned by possible discrimination because of my muscle condition.
Though I had mentioned this in conversations, I advanced my concerns to the
university proper by working with the equity office. By working with the
office, I helped guide a conversation with my former Ph.D. program about
ableism. The impacts are far from clear here – yet going through this process helped
me appreciate that barriers can fall eventually.
I thought I was not that attached to being in Ohio. However, over two years, I
had gotten fairly used to my surroundings, including picking preferred
restaurants and going to the local independent theater. Going to see the New
Pornographers in a local concert venue near me. Eating at a pretty good
Mediterranean restaurant with two friends from my old program just before
leaving. All that investment trampled and squashed by a situation eager to be
rid of me. Even now, this is painful to remember.
State of my Well-Being
Over the past
year, I found a way to keep supporting medical
science despite being torn between two places as described here: http://nighttrail.blogspot.com/2023/12/out-of-body-into-mind-updates-on-being.html. Though the removal
of a ‘penny’ of muscle was…weird…I felt like I was truly helping people.
As a 30 year old, I am now aware of changes in my body – hard to believe, but it’s true. 2023 marked my return to healthcare in only one state. This required many phone calls between both health insurance plans and making sure the Ohio one was removed for all doctors. I started working with a new neurologist, which led me to the usual breathing tests (every two years). However, this time they uncovered a mild asthma – not the news I expected! On the other hand, my cardiologist revealed that everything internally was up to code. Working with a counselor regularly again brought me some emotional stability. Some other strange things hinted at my getting older: getting a skin tag removed and a small cyst surgically excavated in the same summer. (For some reason, this is the part that sticks out as unusual to me.)
The fun does not
end there. My eye doctor had the gall to cancel my appointments twice in a row
over two months and then notify his patients about his retirement. Feeling
annoyed, I switched doctors at the same place and was astonished by the massive
improvement. That leaves just one last anecdote: changing physical therapists
for the first time since the lockdown-ish part of the pandemic. Even with my
body continuing to age, I dare say my lifetime with a chronic condition has
prepared me well. From encounters comes new perspectives and I welcome the
challenge (at least when it comes to my health).
Advocating for a Better Future
Putting your
energy and soul into building a better world is time-consuming and tough.
Lately, I have felt self-absorbed and disconnected (though not entirely by
choice). In spite of that self-directed anguish, there has been some progress
to report. In April of 2023, I remotely participated in the ACLU of Oregon
lobby day (from Ohio) and advocated in favor of critical legislation on topics
such as reproductive freedom. Furthermore, I kept attending the MDA Advocacy
Institutes and even got to participate in a focus group with them in February
of this year. With luck, my life situation stabilizes and I can redouble efforts
to support my communities.
Toastmasters-ing
The following words will be more boastful than one would expect from me. A rare
area that has felt exhilarating and eventful. A review of my current notebook –
and the one before it – reminded me of just how much I accomplished. With the
Canadian group, I went ahead with planning a collaborative meeting, despite the
Damocles’ sword falling on my head in August. What an exciting way to start my
time as a president.
Zoom participation really preserved my ability to continue doing a beloved hobby (see the subsection title). In May of 2023, I became the President of my Oregon Toastmasters group despite trying to pursue a Ph.D. and turning 30. Shortly after, I finished my Presentation Mastery path, marking another two years working on speeches and other projects. During this past year, I also spent some time with my Canadian group over Zoom and also electronically visited another Oregon group. All in all, a good Toastmasters year – perhaps aided by the disastrous exit from Ohio.
That was not all. I also 1) led a roundtable discussion about the club (June ’23); 2) managed our preparation of the Club Success Plan (Feb-March ’24); 3) presenting the Moments of Truth to learn more about my club’s progress (March ’24); and 4) hosting three officers’ meetings about the club’s direction. Some bureaucracy cropped up too like the Annual Business meeting (just after my PhD plans collapsed), the District business meeting, and the biannual leadership training. That last training had a speaker talk about “Barriers to Toastmasters Joy,” which was a great way to encapsulate the ways that we stop ourselves from greatness. In this small arena of Toastmasters, my mark has been placed, which makes me feel some amount of pride.
Media Exploration
Despite – or perhaps directly due to – life’s recent turbulences, I found
myself drawn towards media in my spare time. Media played this great role in
keeping my nerves from fraying.
One highlight is reading four Agatha Christie books injecting me with
the thrill of mystery and excitement in life. For example, my experience with Elephants
can Remember (http://nighttrail.blogspot.com/2024/03/resurrecting-past-review-of-elephants.html) demonstrates
this appeal. With these guides for a detective’s look at life, I found myself
wanting more and started the famous mystery visual novel Umineko. I
sharpened my imagination further watching most of the Twilight Zone (1959) (especially
thanks to one particular friend). Upon first glance, this is scarcely massive.
TZ is a famous series yet the first and foremost challenge is simply the black
and white look and era-specific approach to story craft. Once past that, I
found myself eager to keep watching and immerse myself in the surreal. Many
series owe it to TZ intentionally or not and some of my favorites (like Jordan Peele’s
2019 film Us) are drawn straight from this well. Lastly, a shout-out to honor
some other media recently engaged: watching all of Idolish7 (appeasing a
separate friend), rewatching Hyouka (yet another tie-in to my love of mystery),
and even seeing The Goonies and Whisper of the Heart during special theatrical re-releases.
Art served as
another lifeline. Going to the maker space in a certain library with my parents
made all the difference of making many more works than before. Admittedly, my
switch from oil and canvas (in days of old) to fast-drying paint and paper. Last year, I put together a recap of images (http://nighttrail.blogspot.com/2023/12/pictorial-entries-from-overdue-return.html). Since then, I
have slowed down my rate.
Below is a picture of Mt Hood I made largely in watercolor with acrylic paint mixed in. I got the idea from separate photos of Mt Hood -- one of the pinkish alpine glow and another where the mountaing had a lenticular cloud cap. Though the proportions are clearly off, I liked this painting.
A childhood hobby of mine clawed its way back this past year – that is playing videogames. Somehow, I lapsed into mostly watching videos of people playing games, thinking I had no time for them. Breaking this line of thought honestly put me in a better place, especially with my PhD situation crumbling away unexpectedly. As a semi-active hobby, it forces me to respond to novel situations. Before now, my habit was to replay Fire Emblem, or perhaps little pieces of other games. This time, however, I went in and completed some big-ticket items on my backlog. Some of these games I played briefly in high school or college, and never returned to.
Playing Super
Metroid, Bastion, Super Mario RPG, and Resident Evil 1 (Remake) among others
helped me feel satisfied again with my gaming. All of these games are distinct
in playthrough – but all provided a challenge to continue until the end. The
Zero Escape series was especially challenging: having to solve obscure escape
room puzzles and ponder about human consciousness. Perhaps life’s recent
turbulences fostered my mood for self-created challenges, making room for this hobby
once more.
Super Metroid -- which started me on this trend -- has been sitting on my game console (virtually) since probably high school. I played 5 minutes back then and stopped. Coming back and finishing the game on our TV no less was thrilling. Especially this ending shot below.
Reflection Recap
Life works with its humorous rhythm. The past year has been disruptive when it comes to answering “what are you doing these days?” Seems like honesty is going over okay tough. Oh how I long for a true sense of stability that underpins my whole life. The fact that my health remains good cannot be taken for granted but I yearn for something more. With luck and determination, there will soon be a big break in the clouds hovering over my head. I await prosperous times ahead.
As always, thank you for reading!
