Starting this year off, I decided to write a blog post every day, a trend that died after January. Past April, I didn't even manage to write every couple weeks, barring August, so clearly that resolution did not go through. But, New Year's resolutions....aren't they about improving, even if you don't end up consistent with it? As long as you make gains? This year was my first real effort to hold a New Years resolution. I guess the trick is to focus exactly on one thing, rather than trying to create many different resolutions.
Now, after graduating, what could be stopping me from writing more often? A variety of factors - often, I require some amount of inspiration to actually write for this blog, even when I have an idea mapped out. Furthermore, sometimes long posts or posts that require a lot of effort just take time and I get delayed. For example, that Top Animaymays post I keep promising, but it progresses like a Sunn O))) album - dirge-like, buzzing like a fridge, and with a de-emphasis on change.
However....lately, I have been feeling down. This lachrymose perspective stems from years in the past, so I cannot simply pin it down to graduating or current life circumstances, forcing me to reconcile my life as this horrendous cycle. Watching sad anime or engaging sad music is itself difficult, as I am in such a state, but it also allows me to see beauty in it. So I'm not sure how to respect seemingly contradictory emotions. Yet the strain of "being in the real world" adds more detriment and debris to the emotional clutter that is my mind. Though I journal my feelings, they usually involve the work I have not yet completed. My efforts have not created that many insights as of yet and I worry that they never will - my thoughts, trauma are locked deep inside as if hiding inside a fortress of solitude. The walls, however, repel any efforts to destroy them as they are shielded by protective magic, dispelling foolish attempts.
As far as some more life, I am closing in on finishing Gundam AGE (Episode 40 out of 49 is watched) and my Nanowrimo story managed to hit 7 pages, which is my second best Nano. I am excited about this story because I thought of ways to add insight and compassion to a tragic story. Through this story, I will try to unpack my feelings, and discover when and what went wrong. I will post this story, which I have called, Aria in sections, just as I have done with the first part.
Lastly, I have two graduate school applications left, thankfully. I'll be glad to have those done.
Someday, there will be more posts. Maybe.
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