The familiar story goes:
as a noted Agatha Christie fan,
I was convinced to watch
a soft mystery series
in the month of December 2012,
forever springboarding me into anime.
While Hyouka remains a true marvel for me, I have not previously been able to locate it within my personal history, despite it playing such a pivotal role for me. I want to rectify this. To me, Hyouka is not simply a show, and anime is not merely a medium.
Fall 2012, whose end roughly corresponds with my viewing of Hyouka, was a tumultuous time for me; the show was a partial escape for me. Imagine the world, cluttered with details, whisked away to a white box, unlocked at the top, containing a mountain of emotions. Self-doubt, wonder, and excitement coalesced into a gentle blue flame; a sliver of connection to the outside world. I watched Hyouka while in this deeply vulnerable -- and open -- state, offering me a genuine chance at repositioning. In particular, Chitanda's "Watashi Kininarimasu" (I'm curious) resonated deeply within me. I had always lived by such a phrase, but during that time it had become oppressive to actively satisfy that curiosity. In a sense, I gave up, and Chitanda inspired me to continue.
That is of course not to slight the other lovely characters. Satoshi the database, Oreki as the detective, and Mayaka the project manager. All presented an individual and holistic appeal to me. The show became my favorite at a time when, looking back, I did not have a clear favorite show. It offered a deeply fruitful exchange that I readily accepted.
At this point, my memories of the first watch mix with subsequent viewings. But seeing the idea of mysteries, often extrapolated to a distant philosophy, brought into personal spaces encouraged me to see others around me as leading complex lives. Through Hyouka, I not only found a stabilizer but also discovered a viewing philosophy. Most viewers seek engagement in some manner, often in terms of the main plot. For a series like Hyouka, not defined explicitly by major events, excitement appears in localized moments, often in the setting of the Classics Club. With my physical strength at an all time low, it was more these types of moments that brought needed clarity and color into my life.
I don't know what how to extract specific memories of the time, as much of it involved bedrest. But I do recall many different poignant statements said by Chitanda, like how we need the 'deadly sins', or that we should consider how we feel at different points in our lives. Perhaps I'm doing that right now. Oreki's quest to discover color, while adhering to energy conservation, was also deeply relatable for myself while watching. Through these observations, and others, Hyouka provided a regenerative period for me -- my winter break -- between two physically and emotionally demanding quarters of school.
Without this show, the most difficult time of my life would possibly have been unbearable. The Summer of 2012 was marked by a gravely phantom sensation of leg weakness, possibly impairing my ability to walk. Having gone on a major international trip earlier in the season, this worry felt especially real to me. This terrifying sensation was temporarily assuaged by school starting up again. But this was false security. Around three weeks into the quarter, this gave way to renewed weakness, a naggingly powerful stiffness of my legs. Sitting down nervously, I called my mom about this sensation, prompting her to convince the public safety at my university to drive me across campus to the student health clinic. I was moved in a wheelchair there, and then I was asked to get up and walk to the observation room. But I was transfixed by a fear that I was losing the ability to ambulate. Now I understand that confidence is a huge part of walking -- yet in that moment, it was terrifying feeling myself seem to sink under my weight. To make matters worse, there was nothing they could do to help, other than suggest getting a good night's rest. This event itself proved to be quite a shock and made me lose confidence in this act of gait that is 'normal' to most. (If you wanted the tie in to my Liz and the Blue Bird analysis, here it is.) Against this backdrop, I waited patiently for help from my mom. She did not disappoint, yet again, and arranged a last minute appointment with specialists who could help.
But they were 90 minutes away near my hometown, forcing to miss school. Not just any day. As luck would have it, that was the day of the first test. So in the morning, I anxiously awaited the appointment. Here I learned that I had suffered physical overexertion, more or less matching my concerns. Usually, discomfort is a bad sign, but for me, who had become greatly numb to the sensation, the pain that erupted in my legs was ironically a sign of things working. From working with a physical therapist in my appointment, I learned how to combat my flagging strength. Pain and stretches, an uneasy pairing, made transitioning back to school very difficult. Asides from the expecting crushing blow to my confidence, I began using a cane and eventually a mobility scooter.
In fact, I failed the exam I took upon return. From there, the class actually became more taxing, even as I was able to improve my performance.This situation was complicated by a friend telling me to stay in this class, but drop another class (also a required course, but not as time sensitive). Dilemmas built up. I failed Exam 1, and did not finish Exam 2 due to needle-sharp pain in my legs (though did not fail). One day my friend, who was turning in both of our homework together on account of my weakness, forgot. The professor in that class holds a strict no-late-homework policy as is normal for engineers. (The assumption that late homework is monstrous was also seemingly shared by classmates who saw the situation was entirely my fault.) I objected on accessibility grounds. The professor, in response, offered credit if my friend confirmed she had been turning in my homework for me. Despite the act that only one of us could get credit. She did so so that at least one of us would get a grade! And the professor thanked my friend for it. But in the end the homework was not graded My friend withdrew from the class due to reasons related to its heavy demand. Despite her concerns, I also withdrew from the class, but a week later.
That's not to say this was the only difficult situation for me that term. I had to push back my physics final by a day (while only realizing my state the day of the test.) I got a C+ in one class (considered a low-passing grade as it was a required course). I had to also withdraw from a ballroom dancing class (for what I hope are obvious reasons). And as much as I love anatomy and physiology, being taught the inner workings of 'normal' muscle physiology was deeply cruel for my situation. It felt like a codifying of my inadequacy. (It was still a valuable learning experience, but not through the most enjoyable manner possible. I did continue learning anatomy and physiology after that...the material was never quite the same for me though.)
To me, simply completing this Fall 2012 term was a success, and that set up Hyouka to be an especially dear series to me. I recovered, in multiple ways, while watching Hyouka and trying to regain the previous ability to walk. Though, I could investigate the Winter 2013 'maelstrom', where I struggled to regain my footing in a variety of ways. I....felt excruciating leg pain (having not 'tested' my legs with gravity as much due to bed rest). Simultaneously, I experienced a falling out with a friend (which somehow involved university mediation) that made the time very emotionally demanding. My strength slowly returned, thanks in part to medication, but it was a period of feeling poorly, afflicted heavily by brain fog. This recovery slowly continued into Spring 2013, but this was when I received news of my grandfather passing. This conferred a refreshed depression, but one with a clearer head; my thoughts finally had become my own again, even within this situation of despair A month after my grandfather's passing, in May, I watched the infamous tearjerker scenes from Clannad After Story. Not normally one for crying, but combined with these feeelings of sorrow, I teared up harder than I had in a long time.
Of course, one show alone cannot do everything, but Hyouka's placement in my life made it bearable, and enjoyable in unexpected ways. I could sustain these difficult times and I am happy that I could carry memories of Hyouka with me. That is why, to me Hyouka is not just a show, and anime not just a medium. Anime in general has meaningfully interacted with my sense of self and my emotions, helping me overcome a very difficult time in my life.
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