Adorned with Aurora: A review of the game Child of Light

Montreal, a great European-inspired metropolis, thoroughly awed my teenage self on a visit during 2007. Recently, I had the opportunity to indulge my connection to the city. On Juneteenth (June 19) this year, I finished the 2014 game Child of Light, which was developed by Ubisoft’s Montreal branch. Typically, finishing a game is in the evening…but for some reason I felt the rare itch at 7 am to finish the game. There was no choice but to write about it at more length. Herein I talk about the incredibly charming Child of Light.

In this game, the backgrounds are littered with lovely landscapes with screenshots towards the end. Places of darkness, and places of light. Symbols of sun and moon appear often throughout the game. Within this neatly crafted world is a simple though heart-piercing narrative. The lively child Aurora falls ill from poison and grows cold to the touch. On the verge of death, she is whisked away to the mystical forest-strewn land of Lemuria, clad with magic. Upon first encounter, Igniculus – the firefly who provides light symbolically and literally to our heroine Aurora – mistakes her tears for dew that creates moss. (As an Oregonian, I really do feel this comparison.) Truly an adorable misunderstanding for a non-human being. Ultimately, this narrative follows the earnest trajectory of the Child of Light driving out the shadows and despair from Lemuria. Though simple, this story perfectly matches the wholesome nature of the land of Lemuria.

Instead of a traditional composer, Canadian indie pop singer Coeur de Pirate helms the music. Though without her vocals, the vibes are different – but there’s a melodic lyricism to the instrumentals retained. Urgent, sweeping strings powerfully orchestrated and cleanly recorded. Even within the orchestrated realm, there is a beautiful intensity in pieces like “Metal Gleamed in the Twilight” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olZMC6SKESo). Truly every note in this soundtrack hits and that’s a great feeling. In closing, Coeur de Pirate composes and performs the stirring credits theme, which beautifully complements the game’s whimsical feel.

Certainly, Child of Light is a peculiar game as an RPG that is around 15 hrs long on average. Though the game mixes platforming and RPG elements, there is never a sense of gameplay feeling shallow. At the same time, not a maddeningly complex game. An hour of your time can feel very rewarding – especially as you are likely to hit a reward or a checkpoint or boss.

There are many minor modifications to make in this game. You have several partners to choose from and can decide how to proceed. My favorite is probably Oengus, the mighty behemoth of a warrior seeking to be accepted back into this tribe; both a powerful warrior, and someone with a heart of gold who saves Aurora from imprisonment. A minor critique is that some of these partners feel forgotten, but that still creates a sense of replayability.

There are elemental forces – namely electricity, water, fire, and dark – that are beneficial against certain enemies. You can also craft certain gems that have elemental or other effects. Ruby, sapphire, emerald (my birth stone), onyx and even tourmaline. From these options, I can only imagine that a future playthrough may look quite different.  One odd glitch appeared: the Exit Game option refused to appear on my first play session, forcing me to close the game using a command outside the game. Fortunately, this never reappeared. Altogether, a very engaging game that would likely do well with a sequel to tighten the core mechanics.

As an afterthought, I thought about the international nature of games. Ubisoft is (in)famous for extremely long credits that thank people from every Ubisoft studio. In a way, this feels like a great nod to the international community of game creators. Headquartered in Montpellier, France but also with another branch in France alone (in Montreuil, which is an offshoot of Paris).

By contrast, Child of Light boasts a relatively small development team. The team is still more than happy to credit a variety of characters including two people named Guillame, the QC testers in the Indian city of Pune, and even Ubisoft Bucharest (the second largest branch). Apparently, according to a friend, text localization aimed for rhyming in every language as possible. This was certainly true in English (the version I played), but just imagine what the French and Japanese versions must feel like.

To write this reflection, I opened Child of Light again this afternoon and played through the short first chapter. Still, meeting Igniculus the Firefly again felt nostalgic. Such a clear sign of a great game.  Strangely enough, there feels like room for a second game – to tighten the mechanics and deliver an even better experience. Overall, a remarkable experience that makes me want to play GAMES again period.

To close off, here are some striking screenshots from the game:

Voyage of the Sunset Treader: A reflection on Gankutsuou

Paris is known as the city of love. The great Molière wrote magnificent plays about humans feigning illnesses (The Imaginary Invalid), faking religious piety (Tartuffe), and even faking love for humanity (The Misanthrope) – stories often set in Paris with the upper classes. Such a city features historical monuments like L’Arc de Triomphe, the Louvre museum, and the Notre Dame cathedral. Yet within that same city is the infamous Centre Pompidou, a jarringly modern building filled with colored pipes visible from far. Gankutsuou: The Count of Monte Cristo embraces this maze of contradictions, creating a striking experience.

Pursuit of revenge is a clear thread through the story. On the alien world of Luna, where the show begins, the Count (played by the beautifully menacing Jouji Nakata) lavishly hosts our main characters Albert and Franz; he uses his influence then to save the life of a self-admitted murderer from public execution but leaving the other two prisoners to their fate. (Probably my least favorite scene in the show.)

This is a coming of age story and this – as a character drama – is where the show shines brightest for me. In spite of his idealism, Albert (played to great angst by Fukuyama Jun) falls for the charms of the count. Franz – played earnestly by Daisuke Hirakawa – serves as the best friend and arguably a great ship for Albert. (We only get *one* episode in before Albert asks if Franz is his girlfriend. Sarcastically of course but still.) With Eugenie, the prodigious female pianist and childhood friend to Franz and Albert, these three form a remarkable trio. Another great character is Haydee the harp player – from fictional Middle East in Space (Janina) – who adds depth to this complex tale. Of course, at times the drama is downright soapy, but throughout we see the humanity of all. Even the Count, a firm believer that he is evil to his core.

Gankutsuou’s most unexpected character is arguably Peppo (voiced by the great Mai Nakahara). Her first appearance is just moments into the show with her tossing Albert a bouquet. (To be honest, I noticed this when revisiting Ep 1 to eye any possible foreshadow.) In short, Peppo speaks crudely, teasing sharply, but also has a heart of gold where she wants nothing but the best for Albert. She even serves as the maid in his house. If anything, Peppo could have appeared more often, given her ability to insert into any situation. Most striking is the implication that Peppo is a trans girl who breaks free of constraints of society to become a model herself. I truly wish that Peppo had appeared more often, especially for her to talk to Albert again. At the least, that possibility was never closed off.

I, as did others, noticed the overwhelming aesthetic present in the show. Garish. Gankutsuou can be described this way. Headache inducing. Director Mahiro Maeda probably leaned too much into orchestrated catastrophe amalgamating the shiniest, most metallic looking computer-generated images (including rocket ships) and straightforwardly drawn images. Such a fascinating disparity extends to the art direction as well. There are ornately decorated locales, like in the Auteil mansion, existing in contrast to a standard sky view, with blue and a few tufts of white.  Even as Last Exile pioneered this blend, Gankutsuou strikes a level higher, a fact best pronounced by characters dressing with intricate carpet patterning (as described by a friend of mine) on every garb and strand of hair. Often fluid animation is not the goal as much as filling each frame to the brim. In all its odd, jagged glory, Gankutsuou is a hair removed from being too much and certainly represents the peak of Golden era Gonzo aesthetic. Somehow, the headaches were worth the travails still.

Music shines brightest when it strikes at human emotion. Here the most striking pieces are somber yet light, capturing the melancholy of revenge echoing in this series. A simple repeating guitar line dominates one such piece, with guitar as driftwood and rocking strings as the sea. Curiously, the name Jean-Jacques Burnel appears in the credits for music. Burnel is best known as the bassist for the Stranglers, an English band best known for songs like “No More Heroes”, and is even credited under the band’s name in the OP. In opening, Gankutsuou features Burnel’s sweeping vocals and singing piano clad with lines like “Our dreams were not soured by life.” Eloquent strings decorated with pristine monochrome drawings by show character designer Hidenori Matsubara. Compared to this artful drama, the ending theme is grungy, filled with promises of revenge uttered by Burnel with maliciousness; directed by 3DCG pioneer (and then-frequent Gonzo contributor) Yasufumi Soejima, the ED is visually aggressive, ending with a scene of the Count laughing maniacally.

Count of Monte Cristo is a book I have at home, but never read. After traveling through space to be here, in this moment, I realize that comparing the book to the anime may just be a great idea. Even with the plethora of bells and whistles, Gankutsuou is an earnest tale of Albert, impressionable and idealistic, halting a plot of mere vindication carried by the Count. This tale carries with it the markings of an honest character drama, which is what will stay with me the longest. Grateful to have finally seen the show…now onto the book sometime!

Eyes that Maketh Murder: A Reflection on The Silver Case (1999)

The songs “Blue Monday” by New Order and “Love Will Tear Us Apart” by Joy Division hold a very particular space in my memory.  This is hardly the most salient detail of 1999’s The Silver Case, spearheaded by the famous game designer Suda, yet this certainly captures my attention. Truly an aesthetically striking, mechanically stubborn game. There is pulp and mundanity spilled together in a unique pattern. After all this, totally count me in for more Suda games.

(Naturally, this reflection contains some spoilers on the game but is largely written for anyone to read.)

At its core, The Silver Case is a tale about society being apparently rocked by a proficient serial killer named Kamui. However, evidence mounts calling into doubt that he could have performed the murders. Kamui even seems to possibly be more than one person. Main character Akira (our self-insert that you can name) encounters this mysterious man as a soldier and later as a detective. Of course the cops are investigating Kamui in connection with the titular Silver Case, but competing factions show up. This all helps illuminate the game as a tale of society at large rather than simply our main character.

Some games will have you solve intricate environmental puzzles. Here the “trigger” for the next event could come from checking email or observing a pet turtle named Red (shown above; image is a screenshot taken from Steam Community). Often, you will even open a door after activating enough triggers. This game is obtuse in numerous ways yet this largely comes across as an appeal. As stubborn as grumpy alleged old man Tetsu complaining about the nonsense of life. There is a beauty there.

The particularity comes across through the game elements. As a work of game, it is clunky. You move slowly and awkwardly. At some point it becomes familiar enough as the routines get set (like checking your computer frequently). In other moments, it takes ten minutes to find a hint of shadow that is meant to communicate you look up (and progress the chapter).

 

Even with stiff gameplay, The Silver Case is striking as an audiovisual work that draws upon one’s eyes. The graphics are often simple, hosting a realistic-ish style. Remarkably, the game is incredibly clear on time of day: often a clock will be matched with a graphic that shows the exact daylight glow or nightly lack of sun.

 

Music undoubtedly strengthens this game’s presentation. Masafumi Takada (of Danganronpa fame) delivers a soundtrack that is haunting under a guise of pop, filtered through a very 90s sense of sound design. Strangely enough, the main character’s apartment theme has the scariest theme of all….I don’t get it….Truly, for me, this music brings the aesthetic to a comforting rhythm even against mundane actions.

Some aspects of the Silver Case did not jive well with me. Namely, the frequent use of swearing and slurs in localization (including, yes, *that* one loved by the internet to describe intelligence) took me out. For a game with a relatively recent release in the West, there sure are some STRIKING choices.

Still, even after finishing the game, I am also hesitant about the portrayal of identities around gender and mental disability. Few female characters play a major role compared to a preponderance of male characters in the spotlight. There is also a supernatural characterization that obscures the lived experiences of characters who live with ‘multiple’ personalities (some use the term ‘plural’ or the more stigmatizing Dissociative Identity Disorder).  In some ways, this depiction may be empowering, but there’s a lot of concerning material that feels more palpable.
 
I also had a difficult time with the concept of cops as they exist in The Silver Case (1999). The job is clearly brutal and takes a toll on people like Tetsu, Akira, and all. Civilians are “processed” for seemingly arbitrary reasons. That said, the confusion of the law enforcement is largely portrayed as a matter of the higher-ups favoring something other than public safety. Cops are not quite pushed back on. That said, these characters do illustrate how cops warning people about crime can in fact *inspire* crime.

Taken together, Silver Case (1999) delivers an intriguingly satisfying sense of rhythm. This rhythm rather than outright explanation carries you through to the end. Without the in-your-face elaboration, you are left to wonder about whether the characters did right. Yet somehow the game does a good job of avoiding moralizing too much, stepping away from good vs evil. Instead, a certain character loosens up and tells you the player to find the light and snuff out the shadow, and there the game ends (in a way), which gives you a direction but not a destination. There’s an appeal to this ambiguity that forces you to discuss a game right after finishing it.  Many of these comments made here, however, may need some updating after I play The 25^th Ward.  Looking forward to more Suda!

Retrospecting As Society Returns: Spring 2022 to Spring 2023

Rivers carry water. They also grant passage to memories. Here are three great riverside views from the past year.

 View of the Neretva River from the Old Bridge Mostar, Bosnia and Herzegovnia.

View of the North Saskatchewan River from a valley lookout in Edmonton, Alberta

 Ducks carrying on along the Willamette River in Portland, Oregon.

Three years ago or so – March 24 2020 – the pandemic fully materialized, pushing me to escape Canada back to Oregon. Just after the border closed shut. This year I made it back to Edmonton, and even finally traveled to Bosnia and Herzegovina. What follows are my reflections on the past year.

For those who know me, I watched Cheers back in 2021 and jumped to Frasier just after, finishing the journey on July 29 2022. These two shows describe this part of my life well. In Cheers, they bemoan the Edmonton Oilers; in Frasier, they bring up Bosnia for a funny language gag. Together, these represent the most dramatic highlights of my year: traveling to Canada and traveling to Europe.

Typically, this post would be organized in a pure chronological order.  For this strange period of “forced normalcy,” I found myself reeling from the mental preparation required.

Contents ordered as follows:
1) Travels of the Year
2) Spring – Summer 2022
3) Fall 2022 – Spring 2023
4) Professional Development
5) Wellbeing
6) Extracurricular Activities
7) Retrospective Recap

Travels of the Year
My long-awaited Canada trip – 2 years delayed – marked the first time I fully planned a trip myself and went without outside help. https://oregon2alberta.blogspot.com/2022/05/making-journey-back-return-to-alberta.html  

There was also a surprise trip to Europe in support of my diplomat sister; we traveled around in the Balkans with time spent in:
Kotor (http://nighttrail.blogspot.com/2022/06/getting-around-in-balkans-access-report.html)
Croatia (http://nighttrail.blogspot.com/2022/06/to-coast-of-croatia-jewel-of-adriatic.html)
Bosnia (http://nighttrail.blogspot.com/2022/06/bosnia-bound-experiencing-life-in.html)

I even devoted a full essay to my accessibility experiences while there (http://nighttrail.blogspot.com/2022/06/getting-around-in-balkans-access-report.html).

Spring—Summer 2022
The leadup to my travels was not immensely exciting because of the stress of my school and scooter situation. In parallel, Ramadan fell during the month of April. Clearly the pandemic – 2020 and 2021 that is— had spoiled me on fasting with family around. There was a trip to the lakeside city of Findlay for an undergraduate-focused interdisciplinary scientific conference – with a bigger focus on the process of learning. There was a keynote speech talking about how mast cells may be involved with POTS and Long Covid, which was an interesting frameshift. 

Unfortunately, this did not alleviate the stress of my situation either. My egress back home seemed like the only solution to the brutal ennui of uncertainty. Despite the month, rain and a chill breeze hung in the air on the day of the Eid al-Fitr (the first one) prayer. Even harder: a final due that day, requiring me to work ahead.

From the administrative perspective, my program was surprised and disappointed about my ‘disappearance.’ I needed to recuperate before returning. This ended up taking the form of medical leave and my graduate school fellowship being postponed until Fall. I reasoned that – even if I wanted to – little could be done during the summer anyways. This gave me time to travel with more time in Oregon before returning.

Fast forward through the travels of May and June. My 4^th of July interestingly was spent with my parents at a memorial for a dear old family friend. Given that he died in his 90s, this was more on the celebration end. There was a small hiccup – the open mic was almost skipped. I took charge and spoke into the mic about the family friend laughing with my dad as a fond memory. We spent enough time that we were invited for food. Given their heritage, the catered food was Persian (provided by another childhood fave actually). I enjoyed the kebabs and rice as well as an eggplant stew (apparently called Khorseh Bademjan). 

Oregon is of course blessed with natural beauty extending into the summer time. My time off allowed me to appreciate these sights in full. Two views from my July are shared below: 1) a trip to the Northern Oregon coast and 2) a trip to the Rose Garden.

Some awesome food-related experiences like a visit to seafood-focused Five Spice and a return to the Japanese hibachi place Benihana (a childhood favorite). The most unique had to be experiencing an outdoor BBQ with a makeshift tandoor on Eid al-Adha (the second one). I even got to learn the skill of picking blueberries from the three plants in the garden. Though much smaller, they had a tart and impactful flavor, lending themselves to a satisfying bite. Of course, the beautiful purple-blue coloration still came through.

On August 9^th, I finally headed back, but there were strange times before then. August 6^th  featured us going to the farmer’s market where I got food at the French bakery. While there, my mom somehow found one of my old Boy Scout troop leaders. He remembered taking me to a shooting range so I could finish my merit badge (among other things). Afterwards, we went to the community garden (image below) before proceeding to the Lan Su garden (image below). On a warm day, lilypads were a lovely sight, especially with the sight of dragonflies flitting around. To close the day,  we attended the Obon Festival at the Oregon Buddhist Temple, featuring many people trying to do the Obon dancing. This was a day packed with excitement.

Gladiolas at the community garden.

Sweltering summer stint at the Lan Su Chinese Garden.

The next day my mom was not feeling well – and the antigen test looked ambiguous. We had just spent pretty much all of the 6^th together and my flight was coming up soon. I researched PCR testing and scheduled it for both of us for the 8^th. While I felt fine, she clearly did not feel 100%. This meant cautiously wearing a mask and socially distance *while* going across the whole country. The test results came in after my flight – positive for my mom, negative for me. Thankfully no one else in the family got COVID. Not even me!  

My last hurrah was watching the film Throne of Blood – by the esteemed Akira Kurosawa –  from a library DVD. Muffled audio did not get in the way of a great viewing experience without needing the internet. This was all at home!

Fall 2022 — Spring 2023
Sometimes, things do not work out as hoped for. On August 30^th, my abandoned small flower pot was introduced to lavender seeds and soil – mailed by my mom across the U.S. I did my due diligence. I watered the lavender once a week. Tried to grow in both the pot and a little cup. Seems like the seeds never quite took root, especially thanks to my building’s wildly inconsistent heating. In November, three months had passed, and so had the hopes of a lavender plant at home.

Weird fall because of the ambiguity that plagued me (possibly a common theme lately). There was of course school but a surprise snuck up.  My capture by COVID happened in late October, which left me stuck at home (as described later in this post). Going out meant being somewhere tucked away from people, which gave me a certain striking view (left). Perhaps that is where I found the strength to keep moving.  I tried to keep November exciting. A surprise trip to Yellow Springs – a rare liberal town in Ohio known for its do-it-yourself culture and a spring (below) – with other university students. On the first, I booked tickets to see the Portland Japanese Garden for my return flight for Thanksgiving. By contrast, the 18^th brought some rather bad news that absolutely made me want to go back home. Truly a tale of contrasts.

 

 

 

For the Thanksgiving, my older sister returned to town, giving chances for much excitement. We took walks, chatted, and treated ourselves to a lot of food. This included the local French food (La provence), Chinese (Sichuan Chef), Mexican (Verde Cocina), and Southern food (Jojos). In particular, Jojos was amusing because of this southern style fried chicken place having some rather impressive vegan options. All on top of having gender-neutral bathrooms. They even played a semi-obscure song that I recognized (likely “Truth Never Ends” by New Order).

 

While home, I had an exciting reunion with childhood friends and their dads at La Provence. Here I had my usual salmon hash (which came with a croissant on the side). We reminisced about our shared time in Boy Scouts including my own fabled “falling from horse” story. As it turns out, my dad asked for a smaller horse to help me out. That horse, however, ended up galloping, knocking me off. Funniest part is probably that I was not that shaken, despite the ordeal of becoming mud coated.

Naturally, the Japanese Garden featured a host of tremendous autumnal colors. Not depicted were the koi fish resting in a square imprint at the center of a pond.
 

At my sister’s urging, we also went to Waclella Falls, a less familiar part of the Columbia River Gorge. The trip was challenging, especially when we had to step over logs or across stones. The sight, however, was very worthwhile. Funnily enough, the Yellow Spring really does not stand up to this sight.

Just before the close of the Fall semester, I saw an incredible rakugo performance on campus, as detailed in: http://nighttrail.blogspot.com/2022/12/descending-stories-rakugo-in-modern-era.html

My winter break provided an excellent opportunity to relax and regroup my efforts. Not unlike the summer break, to be honest. Of course, some nice food opportunities like McMenamins (pub style place) with a friend. The most interesting has to be snowshoeing (image below), which provided an intense workout over a mere 30 minutes. 

In December – what a busy time for everything huh – I participated in a clinical trial focused on MRI imaging of muscular dystrophy. This took place over only two days but what a jam-packed two days. The full experiences are described in this post: http://nighttrail.blogspot.com/2022/12/lying-in-space-my-time-in-clinical-trial.html 

Coming back to school prompted me to attend  movies more often. A nice independent theater is only a ten-minute walk away. Despite the proximity, I had no idea until Fall 2022 – when I saw the great film Nope there. Then February marked a battery of films. On the third, I watched an anime film so that I could see its sequel in theaters the same day. Then on February 9^th, I went to see the Iranian film No Bears, a very grounded look at despair in Iran. …The film screen abruptly faded black over an hour early….You see, the power went out! This meant I could not even get downstairs using the elevator. After 90 minutes of waiting, the staff members carried my scooter down the stairs and I headed home after the ordeal. 

This was no normal day. Just earlier it was sunny – reaching a rare high of 70F in Ohio winter – before transitioning over to strong winds. Power likely went out for this reason. At least the geese were happy!

 

 

 

Happily, the power returned the next day – which is when my next viewing took place. I saw Judas and the Black Messiah, which is a riveting tale of the Illinois chapter of the Black Panthers. Despite being a true story, I was still totally shaken by the actual ending. On Sunday the 11^th, I came back and saw No Bears – despite the first 40 minutes being familiar, I found myself thinking about the central theme of "should I stay in Iran or try to flee" in the face of institutional power. Like Judas, this was not entirely a documentary, but so much felt vividly present in my memory.

Around that time, I witnessed a showering of food. Taste of OSU is a massive multicultural night that the university has not held in years (surely you can guess the reason). I was fighting against crowds in a way that had become totally foreign. To be honest, it felt rather uncomfortable to meet with walls of people once more. With ten food tickets in hand, I got ten handfuls of food, essentially. Added together this made a meal (as on the left). The cuisines represented are: Indonesian, Malaysian, Pakistani, Sri Lankan, Caribbean, and Iranian. It was a surprisingly formidable mix! 

 After eating this delightful mix, I took a second attempt at a classic: Chapli kebab and rice (see below). Despite the simple appearance, this dish requires the manual action to flatten the meat and then skill to cook the kebabs without them falling apart. My parents remain much better at this dish than I am, which gives much room for growth.
 

 

 

 

 

 

Before heading back to Oregon for the break, I participated in a writing study at the request of a friend. Fairly trusty Google (the control search engine) helped me research and develop my opinion on universal healthcare in the US. Naturally, I was already on board, but this taught me that the system is in fact the “Beveridge system.” (With apologies to my younger sister for misunderstanding her.)

Spring break was fairly casual, given that my parents were still abroad and that my sister had work and finals. Even sadder was the spring being delayed. Still I managed to eat the classics like Pizzicato. With a friend, I watched the Ghibli film Whisper of the Heart in the massive theater at the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry (OMSI). As a film, it is great, yet the theatrical experience helped it shine even more.

Afterwards, we tried out the famed Dough Zone. The dishes were Chicken Potstickers (upper left), Dan Dan Noodles (left), and Green Onion Cakes (right).  My friend said that the noodles tasted like peanuts. This was quite the scare! Fortunately, the staff cleared up the confusion and I could get to eating. A little Szechuan spice kick from these noodles paired well with the other dishes.

 Spring rejuvenates plants and returns life back. This spirit infected me while glancing at an old painting – created during 2014 while visiting my parents in South Korea. 

March 24^th happened to be a day for me to see the Canadian-associated sport of hockey. Surprisingly, my chance to see an NHL game had come. Happily, discounted student tickets came together with a ten-minute bus ride. By contrast, returning was exceptionally challenging – as the buses had stopped running Friday night. The trip back took 40 minutes outside in the gusty rain at night, which nearly depleted my scooter battery. Once home, I rested surprisingly well. Despite my traditional wariness of sports, I found the experience fun overall. The arena itself was incredibly busy, which was a challenge for my scooter and I.  After parking it outside, I walked up steep steps to get to my seat. Having ~16k people made for a big show with flashing lights and loud sounds. Around round 2, the groove began to sink in. Unfortunately, there was a CANNON BLAST each time the home team scored, which really made me want the opposing team to win. On top of being poorly regarded, the loud booing set me firmly towards the visiting team. Two friends of mine are long-time fans of the visiting team, which worked out swell. Just a little now, I totally understand the fervor of sports. 

This March is set apart from the previous one because of the earlier start of Ramadan (March 23^rd). Fasting from before dawn to dusk remains challenging. Without as much food, though, I find my reflections to be clearer. Even after my ordeal returning home from the hockey game. Carrying this clarity will help me weather these current and future storms.

Professional Development 
How has school been going? – the question I am sure you are asking. As a second year PhD student, I should have found stable footing. Instead, my feet appear to be slipping. For the summer semester (May – August 2022), I took medical leave because of my challenges finding a lab. Even during my travels, I had to strategize for my fall semester – knowing that my graduate school fellowship was set to expire in December. Coming back, I tried out two more labs and still came up short-handed. During the Christmas break, only a few days after my return home, the heads of my PhD program gave me a potential path where the graduate school pays tuition/fees but I receive no stipend. After spending a week, I affirmed my desire to an honest effort towards becoming a PhD graduate.

Now back, my attention this spring semester (Jan – May 2023) is entirely on finding a lab, as this is the last chance So far, I have contacted 31 professors to fulfill my goal. Out of that group, only 4 professors gave me a potential yes while 8 did not even respond to me. A potential mentor asked me to defend my MS thesis (completed in 2019). Brushing up was tough, but the presentation went well somehow. Afterwards, my list of potential mentors dropped more, adding greater pressure. Time is the only possible judge of what may come of this – but a potential 7^th lab may yet pull me towards a dissertation.

In total, since the start of fall, I have held at least 50 meetings involving pursuing my PhD or pursuing jobs in government or in industry. This includes going to the career fair, talking to the institutional ombudsman (who provides neutral advice), and speaking with the office of institutional equity. One side of this development has been working with a career counselor, even doing a career assessment in the process. Rather than an online quiz, we sorted cards, which helped me calm down and assess my situation from a birds-eye-view.

To help with emotionally managing my situation, I even started participating in group therapy. Said group features several graduate students, a therapist, and a therapist-in-training and has given me a chance to find my bearings better. Through this group, I have discussed my challenges with graduate school and with my own disability. In the most recent session, I talked about my experiences with disability – including not being able to hike to the surface of Crater Lake – but felt heard. This has helped me keep everything together.

Such effort cannot be wasted. To feel more confident, I participated in a recruitment lunch for my program just before heading on spring break. Now, hopefully, all this work will lead to a promising destination – whether that is Ph.D. or something equally exciting.

Wellbeing
SCOOTER SAGA
In the last retrospective, I mentioned my new scooter falling silent after a heavy rainfall in February 2022. Two weeks later, I dropped my silent scooter at Numotion for repairs and received a loaner scooter from them towards the end of April. This loaner alleviated the fatigue from walking numerous places. Patience did not feel completely rewarding here though – the parts for repair finally arrived in early June, while I was abroad. This meant coordinating across a 6 hour time difference.  Despite this promising news, this fix exposed a problem with the central console. This set up another delay. Required part kept facing many roadblocks and had still not arrived as of October. Finally, on November 28^th, my scooter was finally brought back to me in one piece. No longer was it silent. That said, I noticed the battery had dropped during its time away. Despite being entirely manageable, this left a reminder of the great frustrations of the Scooter Saga.

Eye See
May – as a time of a lot of turbulence – actually proved to be a time where my two-year obligatory eye check up was taken care of. Just two months later, I received my first new pair of glasses in recent memory.

Something to Bite Into
This year was certainly a strange continuation of dental care. After 9 years, my health insurance was dropped by my dentist in May…mere days before my appointment. In fact, they cancelled my appointment before the insurance was formally set to expire. My last dental cleaning had been in July *2021*, which only compounded my frustrations.  This forced me to find a new dentist, which finally took place in July. This new dentist was quick and efficient, but certainly not one for words. Fine care, but not exceptional. At the tail end of the year – Dec 29^th  2022– my dental cleaning took place, putting me back on track.

COVID Onslaught
After ages with this virus, I finally faced COVID exposure when my mom got the virus. Sadly, this was right before I flew back to university to face the fall semester. That said, no symptoms developed for me, and I tested negative while my mom tested positive.

It took ~three more months to finally take me. A productive Saturday morning on 10/22 where groceries and laundry was properly taken care of – per my regular routine. Had a few phone calls. Then suddenly my throat feels closed up.

Next morning, my throat still felt mostly closed up, requiring cough lozenges and nyquil (Costco edition). But heart palpitations roared in and I could feel a more steady fever. I skipped work but stopped by Chipotle (while masked) and ran into a colleague. We spent only a few minutes inside before going outside and heading our separate ways.

Then on Tuesday I woke up with throat symptoms and realized something was clearly very wrong. I took a COVID PCR test and scheduled a doctor visit, feeling tremendously panicked. Ten min before the visit the appointment was no good. My test had come back positive, which sent off cold sweat and a new round of palpitations. Even with all that masking and handwashing, I still got the virus in the end.

At this time, I struck the awkward balance of: too conscious to sleep hazily and too tired to do productive work. Fortunately, I was able to rest and fully recover. My mom also arranged food delivery to my place....after I was recovered enough to cook for myself. As a result, I felt a bit guilty as I started feeling better by end of day on 10/27. My quarantine was required for multiple more despite the sickness’s disappearance. On the 31st, I finally tested negative. This was all maddening  – as my intention had been to get the flu shot and COVID booster shot 2 without becoming sick. The flu shot ended up on November 4^th. Then over a month until my COVID booster shot 2, which ended up making me sleepy but not much else.

Heart to Heart
To add onto the veritable pile of checkups, I even had my echo and my cardiology appointment. Everything was as expected and hoped for. They had me wear a heart monitor for 72 hrs. My chest felt scratchy and the small monitor device itself kept disconnecting from the special phone tracker. After all that discomfort, I learned that my heart rate was in fact still below tachycardia on average (~90 bpm), which is totally in line with past results.

Extracurricular Activities
Toastmasters
A major highlight of 2020-2021 was participating in Toastmasters twice a week. As my Canadian group focused on in-person, I scaled back to one club while trying to make it through a difficult time in graduate school. Furthermore, there was no grand achievement like organizing a full leadership project and finishing my level. Which is why I am grateful for a little pin to commemorate my 2021 victory! This was given to me *in person* in 2023 during spring break after the Toastmasters store had spent ages “under renovations”.

More highlights:
1. Experiencing a wonderful BBQ in July and diner experience in December, which gave me a fresh feeling for in person activities. 

     2. Finally sharing my Dungeons and Dragons story in June 2022. Back in fall *2020*, my character faced uncertain death, and my friend – the dungeon master – helped me through that strange experience.

3. Managing interrupters while I talk about the great and late singer Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan. Some hecklers even asked “what is a cassette” or “why would you still use cassettes” which proved to be a really cool experience. That said, an emotional topic may have been challenging for this type of speech.

4. On February 13^th 2023 we held a special meeting. A less experienced member – and friend –wanted to run a Cultural Night as meeting Toastmaster. My role was to help sort out the technology and meeting structure. I coached her in running the meeting, helped draft the special agenda, and wrote reminder emails. For the event itself, I gave a 4 minute speech on my cultural experiences being a Pakistani-American. (We had a whopping 7 other people give speeches too!

     5. Delivering a keynote 20-minute speech about the teacher inside all of us. As a bonus, I was able to talk about lessons from my father and also from a civil right great like Malcolm X. Mostly topics I knew here, but it did give me an excuse to listen to Malcolm X lectures and speeches.

Advocacy
Because of the stresses of school, I have not put in as much time to further my advocacy efforts. There was a several hour DOT meeting that I attended for 3 hrs (while waiting for research work to be given to me) detailed in this blog post http://nighttrail.blogspot.com/2022/03/a-personal-recollection-on-air-travel.html. Attending the MDA Advocacy event earlier this year gave me more inspiration to continue my efforts.

Two charities inspired me to finally chip in money to help the needy. (Naturally it is the place of government above all to care for people not charity.) A Toastmasters friend best known for his jokes seriously recommended Child’s Play, a Washington-based group that brings video games to children’s hospitals. My own children’s hospital had games, so the importance was pretty obvious to me! I pitched in $10 for the Christmas season. The other group is Direct Relief – they work with my favorite YouTube group TheRunawayGuys in the Colosseum event once a year. This group has even performed relief work in Pakistan among other places. While watching live, I pitched in $10. My donation note listed out “trans rights” and the speaker actually read the note twice. These two experiences helped me feel like I was giving back to people other than myself.  

Language
Throughout this time, I have gone through periods of picking up Japanese and Urdu again. Unlike earlier in the pandemic, my brain seems weighed down with stress. As easy as it can be to say – may the coming months be a much better period of study.
 
Clubs
Last spring, I was asked to become treasurer for my university’s Fulbright student association. As it turned out, now I was the only American holding a major position! The majority of the organization is Fulbright students from other countries to the US. By contrast, I am a Fulbright US alumni. In the midst of unsettled waters (my program), this has been a great experience.

Learning how to interview people to join the club executive team, training in being a club treasurer (and following every miniscule detail demanded by the university), and studying student organization program planning. Being able to contribute as not just a treasurer but a club leader in meetings with other organizations.

The social experiences have been fun too. For the outdoor picnic, we went to a historic park, and I brought the South Asian lentil meal daal. Ordinarily this dish is challenging to make flavorful, but this was an outright success. This made for an interesting potluck. One exciting bit of the picnic was trying out some Afghani treats, which were familiar yet distinct (as a Pakistani). 

The pond for which this park is famous.

 

Afghani saffron tea.

Dishes from many cultures. My cooked daal and rice are on the top right edge.

A Free Sunday gave us an excuse to go to the Museum of Art. (As treasurer, I certainly approved of the cheap trip.)  It was not a huge shock, but still pleasant. There were probably 4 Monet paintings and even some Rodin sculptures – which is decidedly typical for an American art museum. Another interesting feature was an embellished Lego model of the city including mountains and beaches.  

Retrospective Recap
Another spring careening towards the mandated normalcy. Much has happened during the pandemic. Looking back, I realized one "could have been" was getting a Nintendo Switch. When I achieve a more stable position (in society), I hope to come back to this goal.

Hope you enjoyed reading what has been going on. Many thanks to all of you!