"Most Improved"

Today was my second meeting of Toastmasters - a group where you try to work on your public speaking skills - and I received the "Most Improved" award. My first meeting I participated in the "introduction" (as I am still a guest) and the table topics - The table topic event is where one person, in charge of the topics, goes to the front and explains the prompt; then the volunteer has to do a brief 1-2 minute impromptu speech. My second meeting I participated in the same events, but this time I was able to extend my impromptu speech to 35 seconds (still under). I decided to do some non sequitur story about Thor's hammer, fighting a dragon, and ending up toasted.

If I keep partaking in this club, I hope to write a speech about myself and present it - in fact, this speech may be posted here if it is to my liking. Right now I'm still in the drafting phase and I sorely want to reference anime - and Hayamin - but that probably would be unwise as it would be awkward. Unless I can be sly about it.

Another new aspect of my life is wearing a portable heart monitor, four leads stuck to me near the chest area. The cords are awkward to deal with, even more so to hide, but I am slowly getting used to them. I am about, again, a week into this position, so I certainly do not know how my results will end up. The orange 'event' button has been pressed a somewhat alarming amount of times to indicate heart palpitations. Hopefully no serious complications will be revealed by this monitor, and that it shows my cardiac healthiness.

Lastly, I was reminiscing about the piece "Lamplight" from Little Busters - swift, minimalistic piano sets a chilling atmosphere followed by a chiming sound and a woodwind instrument. The piece, with its soothing timbre, sets a nocturnal tone, calming the listener.

Luck and Logic: Dogakobo's Foray into Color

Today, I will try out something mostly new. Some may recall my art critique of Hyouka. Today, I want to forgo a plot analysis and focus on how the artstyle interacts with the other elements of the show. Naturally, there is bias, as I will probably write about a show that I find beautiful.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To begin with, Luck and Logic is an anime-original show by Doga Kobo Studios - it started last week. Lacking any source material, this show is, at least apparently, free in whatever artistic approach it seeks. This story focuses on the Logicalists - a portmanteau of Logic and specialist - who work in tandem with Goddesses. (For example, a specialist in the Monogatari series tracks down and slays apparitions. This role is analogous to the "specialist" in Luck and Logic if "apparitions" are replaced with "foreigners" or "monsters.") Their goal is to protect society from insidious foreigners.

As a science fiction show, the art is meant to be futuristic. This idea is rather abstract but you tend to see particularly electric colors, especially blues, that fill up the screen - objects are cleanly mechanical in depiction, symmetry, and all that. But the backgrounds tend to be realistic style, and grounded in some realism.

Though this premise is followed in L&L, the show appears to utilize 'unrealistic' signifiers that differentiate the "action area" from the true background; for this effort to work, a broad perspective must be used to separate these areas. Figure 1 indicates a simple example - the giant teal gate, floating in the sky, stands in contrast to the environment. As a result, we can understand that the gate represents a fundamental departure, ensuring its existence as alien. Through this effort, one can see that the Logicalists, despite acting as an extension of society, exist partially outside of it.

Figure 1. A Sky Gate Summoned by Tamaki (one of the Logicalists).

 The relative reticence so far tips off one fact - most of the episode utilizes a "normal" act of realism. However, the show has particular moments where it shows off the true capabilities of the Logicalists. If every depicted scene was as bright as Figure 2, the effect would be considerably lessened. One concept brought up in the show is the "Paradox Zone" which appears around foreigners (monsters, essentially).

 In the below, two Logicalists - Mana and Tamaki - are depicted in special - that is to say, flashy - uniforms as they fight in this Paradox Zone. For example, both are wearing unusual headwear: Mana, a black hat, and Tamaki, pink flowers. This zone is represented by a color scheme borrowed from molten magma - there are patches of bright, saturated orange unevenly mixed with brown, an effect that screams danger. These two styles are linked by being completely separate from the ordinary surroundings, which places both outside of the society. Neither the Logicalists or the monsters they fight fit within such boundaries.

This approach suggests something troubling: if they are visually distinct from society, then why can they act as a policing force? Then, this society may be run according to a police state, suggesting that order is preferred over the exchange of free speech and free ideas. Mana and Tamaki, wielding dangerous-looking weapons, maintain the order by defeating and restraining foreigners; thus, they are entirely police in the offensive manner, forgoing duties such as directing civilians to safety or seeking nonviolent solutions. (Yoshichika, a civilian, for example, makes an effort to direct civilians outside of the Paradox Zone.) Then, the art style cements the story as dystopian - intentionally pondering this different future.

Figure 2. Mana (left) and Tamaki (right) glare at a monster facing them.

 Yoshichika, the aforementioned civilian, is pulled away from the Paradox Zone (Figure 3), caused by the same monster but in a different location, by the Goddess Athena. Compared to Yoshichika's simple garb, Athena seems outlandish - she wears a white dress with a blue ribbon but also has hair that appears as slightly green. However, this scene indicates that her role is similar to the Logicalists in its emphasis on the Paradox Zone; yet Athena plays a much more defensive strategy than Mana and Tamaki. If anything, Athena visually seems like the medium between the Logicalists and Yoshichika; compared to the Paradox Zone, Athena and Yoshichika are both distant and small.

Figure 3. Athena (left) pulls Yoshichika (right) away from the Paradox Zone - and the same monster.

 In short, this show utilizes the lava-aesthetic to differentiate the battle-zone from the rest of society. Thus, the Logicalists, as a special police branch, are portrayed as different from civilians, such as Yoshichika, and the building surroundings. As a result, a contradiction is created: they fight for the civilization but play a role outside of it. Their actions can only be seen as above-and-beyond civilians, allowing for the story to seem dystopian. Characters like Athena bridge the gap between civilian and Logicalist, which adds nuance to this authoritarian dynamic. Ultimately, Luck and Logic is a story about the individual and the state, with an emphasis on the latter.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here the art critique folded into a plot analysis. One concern of mine in these posts is my inexperience in the rigorous analysis of artstyle, especially in an animated show. However, because animation is an imitation of real life, sociological themes can be drawn out based on the very style. In an animated show especially, the aesthetic approach pursued represents key concepts portrayed in support of the plot. It can never just be seen as meaningless and disconnected from the true backbone of the story.

Goldberg Variations

Two short blog posts! One long blog post per month! That was the plan. Until Fire Lord Justin messed it all up. What a great guy, messing up, confounding, convoluting, conniving, destroying that plan!

In this post, some form of a plan for 2016 in Nighttrail:
1) The Top ____ Anime post - split into several parts
2) A review of artistic methods used in a show (something new-ish won't hurt right?)
3) Some album reviews
4) More posts that lambaste Justin, that incinerate him, that SKEWER HIS ESSENCE
5) Just in general, I want to write more reviews
6) Various ideas proposed (to be mentioned later)
7) Create a hypothetical soundtrack
8) Observation style posts that focus on what happened over its meaning
9) Updates on "Aria"

Namida, Orphans

Happy new year!

Below are what I resolved for this year:
"1) Try to restore friendship with that person
2) Write 1 "full" blog post a month - an actually researched post that's more than 3 pages long - and two short posts a week
3) Complete at least 300 anime on MAL, with a ratio of at least 65% TV
4) Try to actually finish the story I'm working on
5) Annoy Justin to tears
6) Get into grad school/rough equivalent (such as Fulbright)
7) Read at least 2 long VNs (20hrs+)

8) Finish at least 2 mangas (that are 7-12 volumes in length), so including One Week Friends

9) Finish Shirobako tomorrow"

Per #2, I am required to tell you guys that New Years Resolutions are indeed a thing. But these regulations didn't say nothing about a picture about Miuna! So here's one for Miuna Monday.

Hikari is about to be called a "dolicon."

Resolution #9 is completed, #5 will always be true, leaving the remaining resolutions. Yesterday, I finished Rakudai Kishi no Cavalry, bringing me closer to #3. The show was not especially meaningful or thematically interesting, but it was entertaining for what it was.

To be honest, I'm not sure where I want to take the blog this year. I probably won't even keep updating on New Years Resolutions (yes, yes, slippery slope). But there are some more items I would like to uphold as the new anime season kicks into gear:

1) Celebrating Miuna Monday
2) Writing about shows as I see them

3) More photos of Kaori Fujimiya

4) More arbitrary references to raising one's flag Mobile Suit Gundam: Iron Blooded Orphans

With these constraints set into place, surely I can write enough for this blog!

Orphans, Namida

Happy 2016, everyone! I know I really have not been updating properly. Just a couple weeks ago, what seems to be a falling out of sorts was set into motion, a falling out with a friend who is of utmost importance to me. It drained me. Writing has become even harder as I stew in my emotion. But a theme on this blog is that art impacts life, and it reflects impact upon life.

So I have been reading One Week Friends, a manga about a boy named Hase and a girl named Fujimiya - Fujimiya has had memory loss for years, which essentially means she can only hold memories for a week before losing them. Think Chihiro from the Ef series. But as a result, this manga gets at what makes a friendship. Can a friendship be recreated? Even if memory is lost? Whether due to time, a medical condition, or just something else? So reading this manga helps me unpack my  feelings of despair and now I have a new frame for my situation. Having to struggle so hard for friendship, that you must ask someone to be your friend every week, is both inspirational but also tragic. But it gets my mind off my situation at least partially.

Above is a rather lovely image of Kaori Fujimiya from volume 1 of the manga (shamelessly taken from Batoto.) (Other two images shamelessly taken from Myanimelist.)

Another work that I am enjoying is Shirobako, a beautiful anime about making anime by PA Works. I still have like 9 eps left, but I can tell that it will likely be fantastic. Totally peak zru-core.   As someone still trying to find his place in this world, I find this show so endearing - the characters are not shy about not knowing what's next, but they never give up. Whether it's Rii-chan (below) reading Crime and Punishment and other stuff by Dostoevsky so she can write scripts, or Oi-chan trying to figure out however the hell anime production works.  Or Zuka-chan botching her first audition, mainly because of nervousness. 

The metaness is quite high, especially when it wants to mention "Ava" (Evangelion) or Isao Miyazaki (Isao Takahata and Hayao Miyazaki). There was a pretty awesome reference to En Attendant Godot but they decided to feature two women as the main two character; thus Godot plays a thematic role in the show, but they also add to the original feature. By changing the casting, the play (in the show) takes on a new meaning of young adults, in particular women, trying to find meaning. It's not simply one group that takes on this despair.  The show pretty much stole my heart when it mentioned Brothers Karamazov, one of my favorite books - I keep threatening to spoil how it ends to one of my friends. He's ginger, so it's okay. Rinko-chan's gothic aesthetic is another fabulous part of the show (to the left, to the left). If I had to choose one word for Shirobako, it would be "heartwarming." It's the metaphorical hot cocoa for my metaphorical winter.

Some New Year's resolutions can be established based on my efforts:
1) Try to restore friendship with that person
2) Write 1 "full" blog post a month - an actually researched post that's more than 3 pages long - and two short posts a week
3) Complete at least 300 anime on MAL, with a ratio of at least 65% TV
4) Try to actually finish the story I'm working on
5) Annoy Justin to tears
6) Get into grad school/rough equivalent (such as Fulbright)
7) Read at least 2 long VNs (20hrs+)

8) Finish at least 2 mangas (that are 7-12 volumes in length), so including One Week Friends

9) Finish Shirobako tomorrow

And that's what's been going on, I guess!

A thought occurred to me that I should reflect on this year. 2014 was a difficult year for me, but 2015 is the hardest after 2013 for me. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. The year I tried to fight against my tendency to repress my emotions, the year I graduated university, and the year I started having heart palpitations. The year I started taking medication preemptively for my heart, and the year I started taking sleep medication. It's been a rather turbulent year for me, especially since I've faced so much change. After graduating, I noticed that my friendships seemed to vanish into thin air, and I began to doubt myself even more.

My heart palpitations occurred around the time that I realized that I had been rejected from all the graduate schools I had applied to. All that money and effort, down the drain. It set up the rest of the year terribly, even if my grades for Winter and Spring 2015 were good. It throttled my confidence and motivation.

I faced so much frustration when I did volunteer research work, because it made me feel that my hands were terrible. That I couldn't do anything much except for helping with literature, which isn't considered especially valuable. But that's contrasted with speaking with professors and applying for graduate schools, where it seemed that I found that they were friendly and understanding. That even if I struggled, I could keep going. However, I started hitting boredom while volunteering, and now I've settled into complete stagnation.

This was a year that I began journaling around mid October. That's how I know I saw Your Lie in April towards the end (of course memory works too) - that show appeared many times in my journal entries, especially as I began to see Kaori and Arima as extensions of myself. But it also awakened painful memories in me, forcing me to interact with those emotions. Journaling often ends up shallow, but sometimes I find real gems, where I can dig deeply into my emotions. And sometimes it's just made up mathematical modeling of feelings, which does nothing.


Then for a few weeks in November, my mom was gone, meaning that I lived alone. This was while I was volunteering. But I would be alone for most of my time, so I began to feel quite depressed. When I'm alone, the internal demons come out, but there I had no one to hold me back. I just clung onto a "stability" that didn't exist because I just wanted my mom to come home. My little sister visited sometimes, but it didn't alleviated the pain. It reminded me of that time when I fell to sinister emotional depths - it was when I was in Atlanta, at the conference back in November 2014, and I was all alone in the room. I thought of hurting myself but I held back. While home alone, it was a similar situation. Having to go to volunteering felt miserable for those few weeks because I felt ignored, just a burden and useless. And then, without me realizing it, the volunteering ended. I felt satisfied with compiling information for my lab but ultimately, I felt unaccomplished, especially with the actual lab stuff. I just read papers....It was good practice but it felt lacking.

At some point, everything began blending together, so I feel a mixture of sadness and apathy, of hopelessness. Now I'm placing my hopes in my applications, to graduate school and Fulbright. I just want something to work out so I can re-energize after such a hard year. How do I keep going? At this point, I'm not sure. And I feel like my friendships are dissipating, for the most part, save few...It seems like I still could greatly improve on making healthy relationships.

It wasn't all bad, though the good moments felt more sparse this year. I was hugged by my friend, which made me really happy - even if now the friendship is in jeopardy. I'm sure there's a lot of positive events that happened but so many feel small and intellectual. Presenting at my honors thesis defense made me feel really proud of myself - I could put together a professional set of slides and teach people about my research. One of those few events that helps me claim more confidence.

I'm very grateful for my friends and family, those who were there for me or at least tried, and I'm grateful for anime. Especially Non Non Biyori Repeat, Shirobako, Your Lie in April, and Sound Euphonium (and others). This was also the year I tried out Mobile Suit Gundam 0079, helping me get acquainted with mecha, and I also finished Mushishi and Honey and Clover. I got so much more anime done than I ever dreamed I could previously. At least the despair seems to be counteracted by my efforts. I am hopeful that next year I can accomplish new things and grow. And refine the things that are already there.

Ganbatte ne, Zru!

- Zeldaru

Vile Cemetery of a Blog

Starting this year off, I decided to write a blog post every day, a trend that died after January. Past April, I didn't even manage to write every couple weeks, barring August, so clearly that resolution did not go through. But, New Year's resolutions....aren't they about improving, even if you don't end up consistent with it? As long as you make gains? This year was my first real effort to hold a New Years resolution. I guess the trick is to focus exactly on one thing, rather than trying to create many different resolutions.

Now, after graduating, what could be stopping me from writing more often? A variety of factors - often, I require some amount of inspiration to actually write for this blog, even when I have an idea mapped out. Furthermore, sometimes long posts or posts that require a lot of effort just take time and I get delayed. For example, that Top Animaymays post I keep promising, but it progresses like a Sunn O))) album - dirge-like, buzzing like a fridge, and with a de-emphasis on change.

However....lately, I have been feeling down. This lachrymose perspective stems from years in the past, so I cannot simply pin it down to graduating or current life circumstances, forcing me to reconcile my life as this horrendous cycle. Watching sad anime or engaging sad music is itself difficult, as I am in such a state, but it also allows me to see beauty in it. So I'm not sure how to respect seemingly contradictory emotions. Yet the strain of "being in the real world" adds more detriment and debris to the emotional clutter that is my mind. Though I journal my feelings, they usually involve the work I have not yet completed. My efforts have not created that many insights as of yet and I worry that they never will - my thoughts, trauma are locked deep inside as if hiding inside a fortress of solitude. The walls, however, repel any efforts to destroy them as they are shielded by protective magic, dispelling foolish attempts.

As far as some more life, I am closing in on finishing Gundam AGE (Episode 40 out of 49 is watched) and my Nanowrimo story managed to hit 7 pages, which is my second best Nano. I am excited about this story because I thought of ways to add insight and compassion to a tragic story. Through this story, I will try to unpack my feelings, and discover when and what went wrong. I will post this story, which I have called, Aria in sections, just as I have done with the first part.

Lastly, I have two graduate school applications left, thankfully. I'll be glad to have those done.

Someday, there will be more posts. Maybe.

Pondering about the big animes in the sky

1. Luck and Logic, =
2. Durarara s2, =
3. Boku dake ga inai machi, =
4. Musaigen no phantom world =
5. Shirayuki s2=, 
6. IBO, =
7. Dagashi Kashi=,
8. haruchika, =
9. Ao no Kanata

 I think that I, on account of my newfound free time after applications, will pursue watching 9 shows. Who knows how well this will go? Well, who knows. The ones marked * are strictly time-permitting. The ones marked = I am watching with my comrade/partern in crime. Man, I might get a true winter season experience now! Of course, I've heard terrible things about such experiences.