Lessons about Ability and Life From Michiru Matsushima

*Note: This lesson is presented in character by Michiru Matsushima from the visual novel Le Fruit De Grisaia, so you may notice a distinct change in tone. At the same time, this lesson contains spoilers into what happens during Michiru's route, so do not read on if you really want to read the rout for yourself. For the purpose of this post, imagine that Michiru is standing in front of a chalkboard without any chalk and addressing a classroom of around 30 high school students. Michiru has aged three years since her depiction in Grisaia.

H-hey. It’s not like I want to teach you guys anything. You’re a bunch of idiots but I felt bad. Listen up because this…isn’t important.

…Okay, it is very, so listen up! And, don’t look at me like that! I’m serious. I’ll whip you with my twintails!

So, there. I was deep in a dream. A peaceful dream, free of troubles. I no longer even wanted to go back to the world I’d left behind. But I knew that I would wake up soon enough. And so, I was afraid. More than anything else, I was terribly, terribly afraid I had….it’s hard to say, okay? I had overdosed on tranquilizers after the death of one of my few friends – one of my dear friends. The event I had been afraid of for so long, the crumbling of the world as I had known it. 

As to how I got there…when I was young I was the only child in a relatively wealthy family. I had many tutors. Despite this, I would get so scared that my body would freeze. When my father called the piano tutor useless, all the tutors started verbally abusing me, calling me worthless. I grew anxious and become even more frightened of being forced to deal with tutors.

Then one day I felt as if my breath was about to stop, while walking in the garden. I was then diagnosed with a serious heart condition, which made sense at the time but was also hard to bear. I learned that I would have to refrain from vigorous activity. Then…I decided that the tutors were right. But how do those feelings of inferiority relate to my heart? That’s so obvious! But…maybe I’ll explain. I would get so self-conscious thinking about my heart rate that everything became weird. Normal beating of my heart turned into something way too fast. But I knew a fast heart tempo would be harmful. Always being wary of yourself makes it really hard to think other people could accept you. After all, you can’t even accept yourself, so how could others?

There’s this weird sensation called a palpitation that can seem as if it is happening if you pay too close attention to your heart. But it reflects how your heart actually is. I did not now that sensation until it suddenly appeared, scaring me. And then you’re always afraid of it, always thinking someone with a heart like this cannot be normal. A heart like this is separate from other people’s hearts. A heart like this….I felt locked into being worthless and unacceptable.

In school, I couldn’t study well or even make friends. In the end, I was all alone. Just like I was everywhere else. I was deep at the bottom of the sea where no light would reach me. I managed to make a friend by forcing her to not commit suicide. Then she disappeared for 2 weeks and ended up killing herself anyways. It’s not that people with suicidal thoughts love death or something like that but that they want to separate from life. The act seems selfish but the person who commits suicide believes that she is worthless and cannot contribute to anything. The world would improve without her. And all attempts to counter such thoughts spin out of control because of this view. In their worthlessness, they are to themselves correct and cannot be overthrown in logic. I wish I could have done something…But I wasn’t able to. The pain in my chest worsened.

It happened. I finally got a heart transplant after being transferred between hospitals. I then went home. Though my heart had become better, I still struggled. I tried to end everything with a box cutter to the chest, so I was taken to a mental hospital, where I decided I only had worth when I cheered people up or amused them. Isolation could be tossed aside if I simply played the comedian and the clown rolled into one. And I fell into the routine, which sustained me and kept my head above water.

Then I was sent to Mihama academy, a place for the few who could not possibly fit in. A group of misfits banished from regular high schools. All of us that ended up in Mihama were people that society reviled. For me, that was not that different from the mental hospital, another place meant to isolate societal stand-outs. I continued to be the class clown, opting to hide my true feelings from everyone else. I picked insincerity for the sake of humor and hiding. But…I…still felt the exclusion that had guided a lot of my life. Despite my heart implant, I still remembered the feeling of palpitations and insecurity. In PE, though we admittedly didn’t do much PE, I struggled to keep up, earning my standing as a terrible athlete. That was beyond my control, making such teasing hurtful. Not being able to play sports or do anything like that as a kid didn’t help my sports abilities either.

Now, we are back to where I started. Well, almost. My friend Meowmel the kitten was struck by a car….and he died. And then the tranquilizers. I woke up from the peaceful sleep and decided I had to go to the hospital in order to feel better.

But   there’s things I haven’t mentioned. I noticed that my heart started hurting again, scaring me. My humiliation at PE was not just a sad reminder of my hurtful past but the resurfacing of my heart pain. A heart can hurt, even when a transplant occurs. I don’t understand the feeling, nor did I in the moment, but all I knew was that my world was thrown into disarray once more. Then a couple weeks later, I met Yuuji Kazami, a person of intimidating intelligence. Secondly…well, forget it! Just forget it! Like that, there was another person I could potentially lose.

I returned from the hospital wanting the end now that Meowmel had died. So I asked Yuuji to bury me. And he did bury me in a box underground. He left me with a phone, which provided the only possible escape…if I chose to use it….It was very comfortable there. There was nothing to lose. No one to leave me. No heat, no cold. Just silent, infinite dark, stretching around me. Or that’s what I told myself then, lying in that box…I wanted to die but not be separated from Yuuji, someone who had become quite valuable to me.

I read the reactions to my “death” by my Mihama peers – sent by Yuuji to the phone – but then my lifeline, the phone, died. Worthless…something I thought was me. Finally, I saw self-worth. That my life mattered. I decided to live for myself. In that moment, I moved on from the friend I had lost years ago, allowing self-forgiveness. It was time to advance.

I gathered my strength and pushed. The top fell off and I rose up. I was among the world again, rain falling on me. And there Yuuji was. Apparently, the box wasn’t that deep. The lid was easy to break. And air had trickled in from a hole during the three days I had been buried. No matter, I learned to overcome my weakness and accept myself.

Despite years of heart pain and sadness, I found a way out. No matter the heart pain, whether figurative or literal, I could move on. Its beating was something that scared me, something so tied to my feelings of inferiority. But now I did not have to try to snuff my heart out with a box cutter or end my mind with tranquilizers. Now I could live. I was not and am not worthless just for being born. I simply tried to follow expectations not meant for me. And now I know better…

By undoing my symbolic burial, I claimed a life for me. The others seemed unsurprised, as if they knew I had not truly given up. I returned to the world I had left behind. But this time I awakened. I passed through unnatural slumber back into being. This time…I knew that I could be truly accepted and free, even if Meowmel had passed on. Even if everyone else will pass on someday. I want to at least appreciate them properly  and not let grief erase their value to me.

I hope you guys paid attention because I’m not repeating. …It’s embarrassing but important. Being the most miserable person in the world is painful but trying to hide behind total isolation is even more terrible.  I know hearing ‘be honest to yourself’ seems hypocritical but it’s still true! Besides…I am honest….I just want everyone to know that their place is far more significant than may be obvious. And…my classmates Yuuji, Makina, Amane, Sakaki, and Sachi all played the role of populating my world and giving me something more important to value. So I thank them all. I am grateful, even to you people who probably didn’t remember a word I said!

Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind and Regeneration

Though modern society is intrinsically separated from nature, individuals have become more vocal about environmental destruction. Creta Gaard and Lori Gruen note that, “Forests are dynamic ecosystems, home to insects and animals alike, producers of fresh air and water when left unharmed by human pollution” (Ecofeminism: Toward global justice and planetary health).  Therefore, the protection of the forest – and by extension nature – is of paramount importance, because humanity depends on the forest for food, fuel, and other products. Due to the increasing relevance of environmentalism, social change is now coupled with environmental change. Therefore, environmental problems are important to society as a whole.

Miyazaki’s Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind explores themes related to environmental degradation. Specifically, the film explores life in a world following extensive human pollution that has changed nature. It follows the protagonist Nausicaa as she tries to both protect her people and stop others from furthering destruction of nature; in this goal, she strives for justice, which certainly indicates her status as an environmentalist. Her character serves as a bridge between being socially conscious and environmentally aware. Princess Nausicaa struggles valiantly to protect nature in conjunction with her people, placing her in a clearly ecofeminist role: her treatment of nature is gentle and wise yet firm, unlike the stereotypically masculine deforestation et. al that usually stems from human interactions with nature.

According to Miyazaki’s Nausicaa, environmentalism relies on the belief that the environment can regenerate to an improved state given adequate circumstances; otherwise saving nature would seem pointless if environmental degradation can only be deterred or halted but not reversed. Its halting would allow nature to remain but would symbolically not provide a dire motivation to consider the Earth and not just humanity’s self-directed needs. 

The film establishes a conflict between the Tolmekians – a war-like people – and Nausicaa’s people who hail from the valley, which contrasts a bellicose and mistrustful view of the environment with awe and respect. The Tolmekian leader, Kushana, is not portrayed as a sheer antithesis to humanity; rather, she wants to preserve humanity by protecting it from nature. To this end, Kushana would have the Earth subdued to humans, with force if necessary. Views that appear anti-environment are more complex than “nature being evil” but rather believe that humanity cannot cooperate with environment and that humans must barricade themselves to survive. Granted, the Tolmekians live in a world filled to the brim with pollution but, though Nausicaa represents a dystopian future, the film presents a landscape that is still quite familiar, Many view nature and humanity as distinctly disparate and inherently incompatible.

The Tolmekians use bellicose methods towards this end. They invade the valley and establish their dominion. Nausicaa’s grandfather, the leader of the valley, is murdered in a show of power by armed Tolmekians who offer him no mercy, respect, or anything short of utter violence. This approach to establishing control complements their approach to the environment: they prefer destruction to negotiation, forcing nature back instead of remediating or cooperating with it. Kushana then demands that the villager ssurrender. She goes on to explain that she wants to burn the “Sea of Decay” – the toxic plants releasing spores into the air, making the world appear as if it was covered in the snow-like spores – to combat the encroaching danger. To elaborate, this attitude entails destroying the Earth and then destroying whatever heinous conditions result, which is an ultimately damaging response.

Humanity then strengthens itself while destroying the earth, leading to the further creation of pollution. Ultimately, all life is harmed, especially humans who must continually adapt to worsening conditions. This act deprives the Earth of its ability to regenerate to its previous state given the situation. Through these actions, the Tolmekians show their determination to narrow-mindedly simply destroy pollution and power through any conflicts. Though they ostensibly are simply striving to survive, they disturb the stability. By torching the plants – which are revealed to be nontoxic- the Tolmekians cause the insect-like Ohmus to stampede, placing them all in danger.

Nausicaa, on the other hand, refuses to try to shield her people by inciting violence against nature. By explicitly stating that she does not wish to kill anyone, Nausicaa affirms her desire for a peaceful resolution, which casts her as someone who can lead others towards healing the Earth, not simply end its damage. She chooses to descend fearlessly into the heart of the Sea of Decay in an effort to evade Kushana’s forces, an act that reveals her belief that humanity and nature can co-exist.  Below the Sea of Decay is pure air, suggesting that though the environment is harmed, it can regenerate to a cleaner state without the presence of people like the Tolmekians aggravating pollution. The very absence of pollution signified by being below the Sea of Decay allows for this recovery, indicating that the right conditions for regeneration must also be fulfilled. We also learn that the trees can purify water, a fact well-utilized for bioremediation of contaminants. Poplar trees in particular are known to have this ability. As a result, Nausicaa can keep searching for a peaceful resolution; at this point in the movie, the Tolmekian quest to defeat Earth to save humanity seems unfeasible because of this finding.

By contrast, the Tolmekians manage to accelerate the Sea of Decay’s advance by not destroying all of the spores. In the process, a city is laid to waste, showing the damage’s extent from both the Tolmekian’s wake of destruction and the pollution emanating from the atmosphere. Soon the valley is in perile because Kushana began to awaken the sleeping giant in an effort to destroy the Sea of Decay. This eagerness betrays the extent of the Tolmekian desire to lay to waste any who would oppose them, human or nature.

The injured baby Ohmu, who was deliberately harmed for yet another show of power, is used to cause the Ohmus to stampede. Though Nausicaa tries to return the baby, the Ohmus are too enraged to desist. At the same time, Kushana manages to awaken the giant who destroys many of the Ohmus, slowing their stampede but clearly offering no true resolution of the battle. After two blasts from the giant, however, the giant dies, indicating that simply destroying nature does not solve humanity’s problems; this result also indicates that nature can simply adapt to the point that humanity may struggle keeping up, though other creatures may easily adapt. Hydrothermal vent organisms, know that you are being practically called out here – such creatures can survive extreme pressures, temperatures, and lightlessness. The Tolmekian approach is therefore emphasized as fundamentally flawed as their strategy began to unravel following Nausicaa’s descent into the Sea of Decay.

Nausicaa, with the help of a pilot, suspends the bleeding Baby Ohmu before the stampede and gently lowers it to the ground. The angered stampede stormed through, sending Nausicaa and the baby Ohmu flying; the Ohmus have been forced into such emotional trauma that even efforts to rescind the damage done are made futile. The Tolmekians choose to retreat due to the destruction of their ship by the Ohmus who clearly want revenge. Following the Tolmekians’ departure, the Ohmus’ eyes – which had become red during the catastrophic scene – returned to their native blue, indicating their calming down. Without the impetus for violence, nature is allowed to heal and return to its former state. These efforts seem for naught because Nausicaa apparently dies. The Ohmus edge closer to her and raise her into the sky with their feelings. Nausicaa is then bathed in elysian gold and revived – she awakens and stands up, now wearing regal blue attire. With a smile on her face, she thanks them. The heavenly appearance of this scene provides a striking image of regeneration, both of Nausicaa and nature itself; therefore the bathing of Nausicaa in gold and the transformation of the Ohmus back to their native state work together to demonstrate the power of nature when unhindered. Nausicaa appearing in apparently royal colors serves to cast her as a true ally in joining humanity with the Earth, emphasizing her role.

Nausicaa’s rise from near death is a human analogue to the Ohmus transforming from incensed to serene in the wake of Tolmekian defeat. Through her peaceful actions, Nausicaa manages to stop the fighting and the pollution, creating an empowering situation. Thus nature is given a chance to recover with the removal of detrimental elements. The revival of Nausicaa indicates an influx of the resurrection that is vital to Earth’s ability to recover. Therefore, her efforts are proven to not be fruitless; ultimately her actions saved nature, which is the true goal of environmentalism. One aspect of this scene that also bears great importance is Nausicaa’s driven efforts to effect social change through saving the Earth and holding steady against the Tolmekians: she is careful to value her people and humanity while also holding nature as important. As a whole, the film affirms the ability of the Earth to recover under the right conditions. Removal of destruction in the form of contaminants can be seen as much more powerful than merely halting environmental degradation as symbolized by the conflict between Nausicaa and the Tolmekians.

The Problem of Pain: Redux

In “Pain Really Is All In Your Head and Emotion Controls Intensity,” NPR’s Jon Hamilton reports on a new finding in neuroscience that complements pre-existing knowledge – and for me, the story of Lucia Konohana from Rewrite. You can also find my posts “Cursed Hands” and “Lucia and the Problem of Pain,” both of which are relevant to this post. In particular, this article describes how the brain processes pain. It uses two pathways to assess pain: one that features an emotional aspect and another that focuses on the physiological basis of pain. How one feels is definitely linked to how one perceives pain. Positive emotions can potentially mitigate pain, while negative emotions can intensify it, which is certainly obvious but nontrivial. 

The study, called “Attention Drives Synchronization of Alpha and Beta Rhythms Between Right Interior Frontal and Primary Sensory Neocortex,” suggests that the “control” part of the brain coordinates with the sensory, or “filtering”, part of the brain. Therefore, some people can train their brains how to filter chronic pain and other intensely negative feelings. To describe the finding simply, we can consciously modulate our perceptions of pain, at least to a point. 

This information can be coupled with Lucia’s inability to feel physical pain as a result of both human engineering procedures and her rigorous training that could be decried as inhumane. In short, her condition matches the current understanding in neuroscience about how the brain processes pain. Engineering Lucia to no longer feel physical pain could be construed as a positive result but in the process she was damaged in a manner that extends far below mere consciousness (or the skin). This approach immensely infringes upon human rights. However, employing mindfulness meditation can help achieve a similar goal of reducing pain, while not infringing upon freedom or causing trauma.

In light of this realization, the project that “molded” Lucia can be seen as even more obscene because a more peaceful and less technology intensive alternative exists.  Especially when many of her fellow orphans died as a result of their inability to control their pain through sheer willpower. Personally, I prefer voluntary action, and this preference is supported by a strategy more intertwined with our knowledge of neuroscience, not the ability to force physiological changes onto humans by modifying gene expression or other methods.

This way, pain’s role can be molded to perform a more beneficial role: continuing to serve a warning role of a problematic situation while being partially controllable, Reading this article was quite satisfying because it supplemented my knowledge and complemented Lucia’s story. Yes, science! – well, neuroscience, to be precise.  She can then be understood in context of a greater story involving the human experience as a whole by providing a unique insight into pain. To me, that means her suffering need not spell the end of a healthy and productive life, which ultimately makes her tragedy truly rewarding. If I had to distill the significance of this article, I would say that its primary importance is revealing that pain, though powerful, can be better understood, providing a deeper insight into how the human brain operates.  Lastly, I may read the title’s namesake (The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis) someday.

Myself; Yourself Thematic Reflection

Recently, I watched Myself;Yourself, which is an interesting show. Yes, that is quite vague, so let me be more specific.  (Looking at you, Justin.) Myself; Yourself (henceforth abbreviated as M;Y) features very bland art, bad character design, and often mediocre characterization though the plot never descends into utter madness and the music is rather nice. The story at least never achieves the illogical abysses conjured in H₂O: Footprints in the Sand_, which somehow manages to take advantage of the viewer’s inability to see the most preposterous ending occurring.

 If you have seen my previous two writings on this show, you can tell that I am conflicted with the show. After all, how does one weight interesting themes with inconsistent character quality and bad writing? I’m biased towards interesting themes, so I must concede that I liked the show. But rather than detail how I felt about every aspect of the show, this piece will be a focused thematic reflection.

Though comparatively tame, M;Y erupts into multiple intertwining stories occurring simultaneously in the last quarter of the show. Asami, it transpires, feels unrequited love for Shuri, a fact that does not arise until Asami shields Shuri from a seemingly normal old lady seeking a sacrifice to bring back her dead granddaughter. Asami’s emotions are contrasted by Shuri and Shuu’s escape from their abusive father, an act that seems entrenched in the siblings’ mutual love. Shuu extends beyond the normal role of brother to offer his hand (symbolically and literally), which adds to this effect. Their act of holding hands when beyond the control of their father further betrays this romantic affection, for no matter how close siblings are, handholding in such a manner is unnatural.

Asami’s “forbidden love” is then defeated by incest, which also constitutes forbidden love. Asami’s feelings are made bittersweet as a result of feeling unrequited non-heterosexual love, which arguably constitutes some of the lowest love in society. Both aspects (unrequited, non-heterosexual) are individually  reviled but the combination is then considered far more pathetic, as evidenced by Shuri’s complete rejection of Asami’s emotions. Despite that, Asami manages to save Shuri from being killed, which makes the situation even more difficult by indicating Asami’s true feelings. In the end, Asami is offered the least solace, though she does gain conclusion by confronting Shuri – this encounter causes Shuri to run away crying, reflecting a strong exchange.

Nanaka and Sana, despite their rocky relationship in Episode 1 (no I won’t show the picture again), are able to share their love after Sana helps Nanaka overcome her PTSD that prevented her from accepting Sana or resuming playing violin. The image of Nanaka playing the first song she wrote on violin – shown in flashback in episode 1 – creates an empowering representation because it indicates her ability to overcome her bad memories. Sana’s marriage proposal goes over well following the concert, thus they become engaged, reflecting the idyllic form of love favored in society. Though Shuu and Shuri share forbidden love, their mutual emotions are elevated over Asami’s unrequited feelings as a result of their acting upon the desire to run away together.

The last quarter of the show reflects love from the most prized (Nanaka and Sana) to that which is not prized but not cast aside (Shuu and Shuri) to the least valuable (Asami) from society’s perspective. These intertwining stories manage to place Asami’s desires in the background – they are invisible unless intentionally found. A hierarchy of love is then established clearly. Perhaps Asami moved on but that feeling of having to move on is quite painful and scarcely better than feeling unable to love.

In terms of her character, Myself;Yourself is left broadly open because she only appears briefly for Nanaka’s concert at the end of the finale. Of course, Aoi-chan is completely forgotten in the scheme of love but she played more of comic relief anyways. Hinako is also cast aside as another object unworthy of romantic affection. Thus we are presented with major candidates and minor ones (Asami, Hinako, Aoi), which presents major assumptions about how love operates. Certain characteristics are valued when presented in a particular way.  The show’s most interesting themes are centered around love because around these are drawn the major dilemma. In this regard, Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki-kun (also by Dogakobo but orders of magnitude better) pairs well with Myself;Yourself. The former concerns itself with themes surrounding gender and the ridiculousness of gendered conventions, while the latter prioritizes love, especially dramatic love, and looking at the many forms of love.