Lessons about Ability and Life From Michiru Matsushima

*Note: This lesson is presented in character by Michiru Matsushima from the visual novel Le Fruit De Grisaia, so you may notice a distinct change in tone. At the same time, this lesson contains spoilers into what happens during Michiru's route, so do not read on if you really want to read the rout for yourself. For the purpose of this post, imagine that Michiru is standing in front of a chalkboard without any chalk and addressing a classroom of around 30 high school students. Michiru has aged three years since her depiction in Grisaia.

H-hey. It’s not like I want to teach you guys anything. You’re a bunch of idiots but I felt bad. Listen up because this…isn’t important.

…Okay, it is very, so listen up! And, don’t look at me like that! I’m serious. I’ll whip you with my twintails!

So, there. I was deep in a dream. A peaceful dream, free of troubles. I no longer even wanted to go back to the world I’d left behind. But I knew that I would wake up soon enough. And so, I was afraid. More than anything else, I was terribly, terribly afraid I had….it’s hard to say, okay? I had overdosed on tranquilizers after the death of one of my few friends – one of my dear friends. The event I had been afraid of for so long, the crumbling of the world as I had known it. 

As to how I got there…when I was young I was the only child in a relatively wealthy family. I had many tutors. Despite this, I would get so scared that my body would freeze. When my father called the piano tutor useless, all the tutors started verbally abusing me, calling me worthless. I grew anxious and become even more frightened of being forced to deal with tutors.

Then one day I felt as if my breath was about to stop, while walking in the garden. I was then diagnosed with a serious heart condition, which made sense at the time but was also hard to bear. I learned that I would have to refrain from vigorous activity. Then…I decided that the tutors were right. But how do those feelings of inferiority relate to my heart? That’s so obvious! But…maybe I’ll explain. I would get so self-conscious thinking about my heart rate that everything became weird. Normal beating of my heart turned into something way too fast. But I knew a fast heart tempo would be harmful. Always being wary of yourself makes it really hard to think other people could accept you. After all, you can’t even accept yourself, so how could others?

There’s this weird sensation called a palpitation that can seem as if it is happening if you pay too close attention to your heart. But it reflects how your heart actually is. I did not now that sensation until it suddenly appeared, scaring me. And then you’re always afraid of it, always thinking someone with a heart like this cannot be normal. A heart like this is separate from other people’s hearts. A heart like this….I felt locked into being worthless and unacceptable.

In school, I couldn’t study well or even make friends. In the end, I was all alone. Just like I was everywhere else. I was deep at the bottom of the sea where no light would reach me. I managed to make a friend by forcing her to not commit suicide. Then she disappeared for 2 weeks and ended up killing herself anyways. It’s not that people with suicidal thoughts love death or something like that but that they want to separate from life. The act seems selfish but the person who commits suicide believes that she is worthless and cannot contribute to anything. The world would improve without her. And all attempts to counter such thoughts spin out of control because of this view. In their worthlessness, they are to themselves correct and cannot be overthrown in logic. I wish I could have done something…But I wasn’t able to. The pain in my chest worsened.

It happened. I finally got a heart transplant after being transferred between hospitals. I then went home. Though my heart had become better, I still struggled. I tried to end everything with a box cutter to the chest, so I was taken to a mental hospital, where I decided I only had worth when I cheered people up or amused them. Isolation could be tossed aside if I simply played the comedian and the clown rolled into one. And I fell into the routine, which sustained me and kept my head above water.

Then I was sent to Mihama academy, a place for the few who could not possibly fit in. A group of misfits banished from regular high schools. All of us that ended up in Mihama were people that society reviled. For me, that was not that different from the mental hospital, another place meant to isolate societal stand-outs. I continued to be the class clown, opting to hide my true feelings from everyone else. I picked insincerity for the sake of humor and hiding. But…I…still felt the exclusion that had guided a lot of my life. Despite my heart implant, I still remembered the feeling of palpitations and insecurity. In PE, though we admittedly didn’t do much PE, I struggled to keep up, earning my standing as a terrible athlete. That was beyond my control, making such teasing hurtful. Not being able to play sports or do anything like that as a kid didn’t help my sports abilities either.

Now, we are back to where I started. Well, almost. My friend Meowmel the kitten was struck by a car….and he died. And then the tranquilizers. I woke up from the peaceful sleep and decided I had to go to the hospital in order to feel better.

But   there’s things I haven’t mentioned. I noticed that my heart started hurting again, scaring me. My humiliation at PE was not just a sad reminder of my hurtful past but the resurfacing of my heart pain. A heart can hurt, even when a transplant occurs. I don’t understand the feeling, nor did I in the moment, but all I knew was that my world was thrown into disarray once more. Then a couple weeks later, I met Yuuji Kazami, a person of intimidating intelligence. Secondly…well, forget it! Just forget it! Like that, there was another person I could potentially lose.

I returned from the hospital wanting the end now that Meowmel had died. So I asked Yuuji to bury me. And he did bury me in a box underground. He left me with a phone, which provided the only possible escape…if I chose to use it….It was very comfortable there. There was nothing to lose. No one to leave me. No heat, no cold. Just silent, infinite dark, stretching around me. Or that’s what I told myself then, lying in that box…I wanted to die but not be separated from Yuuji, someone who had become quite valuable to me.

I read the reactions to my “death” by my Mihama peers – sent by Yuuji to the phone – but then my lifeline, the phone, died. Worthless…something I thought was me. Finally, I saw self-worth. That my life mattered. I decided to live for myself. In that moment, I moved on from the friend I had lost years ago, allowing self-forgiveness. It was time to advance.

I gathered my strength and pushed. The top fell off and I rose up. I was among the world again, rain falling on me. And there Yuuji was. Apparently, the box wasn’t that deep. The lid was easy to break. And air had trickled in from a hole during the three days I had been buried. No matter, I learned to overcome my weakness and accept myself.

Despite years of heart pain and sadness, I found a way out. No matter the heart pain, whether figurative or literal, I could move on. Its beating was something that scared me, something so tied to my feelings of inferiority. But now I did not have to try to snuff my heart out with a box cutter or end my mind with tranquilizers. Now I could live. I was not and am not worthless just for being born. I simply tried to follow expectations not meant for me. And now I know better…

By undoing my symbolic burial, I claimed a life for me. The others seemed unsurprised, as if they knew I had not truly given up. I returned to the world I had left behind. But this time I awakened. I passed through unnatural slumber back into being. This time…I knew that I could be truly accepted and free, even if Meowmel had passed on. Even if everyone else will pass on someday. I want to at least appreciate them properly  and not let grief erase their value to me.

I hope you guys paid attention because I’m not repeating. …It’s embarrassing but important. Being the most miserable person in the world is painful but trying to hide behind total isolation is even more terrible.  I know hearing ‘be honest to yourself’ seems hypocritical but it’s still true! Besides…I am honest….I just want everyone to know that their place is far more significant than may be obvious. And…my classmates Yuuji, Makina, Amane, Sakaki, and Sachi all played the role of populating my world and giving me something more important to value. So I thank them all. I am grateful, even to you people who probably didn’t remember a word I said!